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S A D, and some form of selfmedication, of sorts... When i suffer from S A D, i do take care of myself. I read great books, or bake a cake, of listen to great, uplifting music. Dance and sing. Because i KNOW that gives good energy, make feel good hormons in my bloodstream. Put candles on, sometimes essence, too. Try to be as caring as possible, for myself. It is hard, because the lack of sunshine, light, tears my energy level down, big time. Sometimes i want to... end it all.... Just go to sleep, and hope i wont wake up, ever again.... It has been so long, so many years now, although the real nastyness, heavy attacks are far less.... It still brings me down, on a big scale. It has a very big impact on my emotional stability. Those days are real bad. Sometimes friends try to uplift me, with all kind of "positive" talk.... Or so they think.... . I hate them for that, they cant seems to understand, it is not something that goes a way, by thinking about the sun! GGGGrrrrr! Or thinking positive thoughts.... My god! As if i did not try to uplift myself in all ways possible. I know they mean well, i rather would like it, if they just did not. It is like slowly, falling into some real dark pit... without any escape measures.... no fire escape, nothing. Is it something in my brain, some chemical connection is missing.... Normally, when the autunm comes something in most peoples brain gets them ready for that season. That little thing is not working within my brain. And, believe me! I tried everything! Really every thing. Those special lamps? i tried them all! And they are not cheap! Tried them all! There is a very small percentage of people with S A D, by wich those lamps dont work. Have taken part in a psychological research for months, about this S A D disease. Only the real deal works. 356 days of sunshine, like in South Europe or in the tropics, maybe....too? So, every year, again i suffer, year after year, after year, since my 14 ish year..... And, when the summer is real bad, with a lot of rain and cloudy days at a end... it is a living hell! i cant stand people who tell me that the Dutch summers are really great! i really feel the urge to strangle them! smash their brain in! I know! I know! They cant help it. Does not matter!  No scruples, at all!  Ofcourse, i dont, i just acknowledge what they say and walk away, when i have the chance, or i tell them, not every one is the same, you know? Some people really dont think so! Most of the time they look at me in shock. It is just not in their world... So, i let them be.... Seasonal depression, is a living hell! You cant see it, and in the summer season most people are happy....  Dont mind, when there is a week or 3 with only clouds... and lower temperatures... It had such a big impact on my life, that i was not able to finish my education, because i was sick... Made me lose my jobs, because i was too often sick.... There was not much knowledge then, way back, about this sickness... It took me years, and years of talking to my doctor, about this, before she even recognized there was really something wrong... That she needed to do something more then just prescribe pills! Wich did not work, at all, only made it worst! Stupid cow! Sooo many wasted years.......  So, S A D is a recognised sickness, if you are lucky and your doctor recognise your symptoms. In Sweden, and the other Scandanavian countrys people get really suicidal from lack of sunlight. Those lamps are now required at work places... maybe, tomorrow there will be some sunlight again... or the day after... or.... 
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People who are really always happy, i mistrust, big time! You have those people, i always think they are on some sort of drug! Sooo terrible happy is not healthy! Kind of hyper happy! I always Want to bash their heads in, is it possible that i envy them?  All day long, every ff day! They must be on some sort drugs! It is not natural to be sooo happy! 
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When I lived in the Northeast USA winter just brought me down so I definitely understand.
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6/30/2020 6:37 pm |
I feel for you Rosa. As drmgirl says, Northeast US winters are a downer
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rosa I agree! Nobody can be happy all the time and hence those that appear to be are suspicious! Depression of any sort is horrible! It is good you know what works for you.. I agree - people who tell you to "pull out of it" or similar have no idea! Sometimes, all some-one needs i a friend who will listen non- judgmentally... A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. George Bernard Shaw Jenny
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drmgirl, Ah, so you get the feeling? Winters here are never just 3 months, you know... 4, 5, sometimes 6 months dark, cold weather...... sighs.... Sometimes it starts as early as September... till May... Thanks, 
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olderdaddy, thank you, i appreciate that.
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jenny, Indeed, that is al i need, just listen or just let it be... as it is.... I cope, i always did, on my own way... 
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