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Make friends, they say, on FET.... Dont go on a hunt for that Dominant/ Master..... But make friends, mingle, go to munches, parties, demos, the whole lot. I did all that. I went to munches, all through Holland. I went to workshops, parties, even to swingersclubs, with their montly "SM" evening... I did all that. What i experienced, was, most bedroom sex play persons, dont have a cleu about the NEED for FIRST, a mental connection, a bond, a friendship.... To build genuine trust with each other, before you/ i can feel safe, with such a person.... All they are interested in, was; What are your fetishes? What makes you horny? PARDON MÉ? So, how you mean, friendship? If i cant even have a conversation with them, about a M/s, outside the bedroom. They do not have a cleu! I cant talk with them. I dont like their sense of 'humor'... It is all very infantile. I like to have adult conversation, about the PERSON, his life, his hobbys, if he has them, his view on life, in general, not his sexual preferences, at all. I have to FIRST like him, as a person. It is all about sexual actions, or fantasies, or objectivication of the persons in the room.... who cares??? Also, the times i tried to have such conversation with the bedroom player dominant, it almost all end with a lot of frustration From both sides. Because they really, REALLY, don thave a cleu how to build such contact, how to build such contact up. And just want to dive into the "what are your fetishes" what are your hard limits? Again: PARDON MÉ? It always leaves me totall flabbergasted, and very, very sad..... lost, again... Totally NOT understood, at all Then there is my 'handicap" being a masochiste. Again, Most really dont have any idea about what MASOCHISM, can entail There are many form of MASOCHISM. You have the physical masochist, who needs! /wants the pain/ bodily sensation, to get off, to go that silent place in their head. There are the masochists who love to be humiliated. Or degradated. Made to feel less, then shit, so to say.... Then there are the MASOCHISTS, who love the sting, Or love the thud. Or love edgeplay.... Or any kind of combi from this all. Most bedroom play dominants, have no idea, dont educate themselfs, at all. Most just think(?) doubtfull ... that a slap on the arse, a twist of the nipple, Means masochism... Kind of, like some fore play to s e x...... So, how am i going to build friendship with people, who have totall other goals then i have? How? I mean, i like the contacts i have on here. And, also those contact, maybe due to the make-up of the site, dont go anywhere.... I dont have much contacts on FET, i think, that is because i might be just a tiny bit too outspoken?  I cant stand it, when such a dominant, tells me, i cant feel this or need that... Who the F does he think he is?? I have been thinking and reading and talking about this all for years, now Have been struggling with these feelings my whole life... And some no no just tells me, what i need, who i am? Is not ligit? How dare he? GO **** etc... It just shows, again, that that person is a kinky fucker.... Wants to "play" the game, but will never, ever educate himself. "because hé is the d.....  amp;Not a dominant, ever! On FET, was this question, about how submissives, slave cope with the real big urge to want to serve, to want to submit to that one person.... It brought tears to my eyes, just to realise, that the chance is very dimm, to ever meet such a man... Ever. I almost believe that the genuine Dominants_ Masters, allready have left the sinking ship... On here and on any other socalled BD-SM site..... Kink is confused with SM, porn is making it even worst. 19 year guys calling themselfs, daddy doms, i piss myself, when i read that. 21 year girls, calling themself domme/ dominas.... I choke in my tea, reading their profile, reading their ads..... It is all a game to them. easy in and easy out again... No substance at all. entitlement,? Oh, YES! ABSOLUTELY! Ofcourse, it IS possible that there are some, who really knów who they are... at such a very tender age..... As long as i dont think too much about that big loss, big void... i am allright. I have a reasonable good life, have some friends, who dont know anything about this , in me. and some kink friends, who dont understand what i am talking about, IF the conversations ever goes that way... It is very, very lonely, when you/ i am not able to share this very big chunk of me, being me, with someone... Someone who understands.... Who recognises these feelings.. wants... urges.... When i let those feelings in, when i really think, about how my life will be, without ever be able to serve, to submit, to undergo his sadistic love for me, i am very, very sad... i loss the sense to want to life... So, i keep that door, closed, very tight closed. It is already hard enough, as it is..... So, friends, in the "scene"? Why? |
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Actually i never have been 'on a hunt' for that dominant-Master. Reading profiles, was most of the time, already a deal breaker. All want to DO sm, experience this, that and the other, bucketlist. Shopping list sm, going to a party, see someone doing all kind of sexy, horny stuff with rope, make an appointment (hopefully, 0negotiate hard limits etc, and play! Just like that! Tops and bottoms. Have soo many fetishes.... It makes me dizzy, just reading such a list, and develop more and more while they are DOING sm.... Not my game, at all. I want to develop, together with a Dominant-Master, who knows himselfs, his limitations, his pitfals. Is emotional adult, can handle his emotions, is fun to be around. IS honest!
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Ohh rosa! You are preaching to the choir... But I love your post. And I relate to all of the frustrations from the players. I also did not care for fet. Just my preference... I can't help but think our age is a big problem in finding the type of Dom we desire... Which is a sadness that lurks deep inside of me, as it seems with you... I also have a hard time with the 20 something Daddy's and Dommes... Give me a fucking break. How about experiencing some life before you start boasting what you can do for me! Ohh well... There is no easy answer. I just hope I find that Dom when I'm not looking and least expect it! ~ Physical strength is measured by what we carry. Inner strength is measured by what we can bear. ~
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Rosa Dear in my case I don't chase after men because that doesn't work out for me- although I will FLIRT .... I could live the sub/slave lifestyle 24/7 and I've had plenty of offers ... However I just can't wrap my head around actually moving in with a DOM and then being totally owned- although I do fantasize and it is very tempting ... NO I just keep my hook ups shallow and only give my consent to be "owned" part time... 
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So relatable and I join you in that sadness. I see no solution but to not lose heart.
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Yeah, I never got into Fet or the "local community" schtick. Most of the people I ran into seemed to think they were smarter than everyone else in terms of BDSM and such. Came off as pompas to me.
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I'm not really a joiner so the community thing just isn't right for me. The cliques and pretense are very off putting. I will say Mistress and I first met over a sexual discussion but that is now secondary to our relationship. She never once forgets to ask "How was your day?" and our discussions are about so many mundane things. The BDSM aspect is what I would call the icing on the cake.
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rosa I feel your pain ! Sadly, there is NO answer but to keep looking and hoping to find that rare intelligent one! Happy New Year too  A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. George Bernard Shaw Jenny
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Totally do not agree! It’s us people who run and go to munches that are really making the effort and are not lonely as we do have kinky friends. The munch I go to have brought together a number of people in to solid relationships and others have met their play partners. Munches are worth the time for sure. Wannabees don’t do munches, they stay lonely. Hidds  (Please be aware, I dont always reply to comments. I dont do this out of rudeness, I just dont always feel that a reply is necessary or your comment has moved so far down the list that other comments have over-ridden it. I hope you dont get offended and am grateful for any comments on my blog posts Thanks)
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I completely understand everything you're saying here, we want a life partner that cares about us and understands us that we can then open the door to. I was happily married at a young age, thrilled about many aspects of my life and relationship, but as I grew and aged I became more and more interested in D and S and wanted to explore. I thought the right thing was to try to introduce some spice into my relationship, take it somewhere neither of us ever dreamed, wrong plan. I tried many things over the years, yet only succeeded in slowly over time alienating my wife who apparently was pure vanilla to the core. Eventually it all fell apart, heartbreaking because we really had it all, now we have nothing.
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MRCp3, I am happy for you, to have found some real friendship. Give up is not an option,
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pac, In the deepest dispair i sometimes think also that it might be "our" age- But then again, i read on FET, people even older then we are, who did find each other, so i dont think it is about our age... Yeah, sadness, indeed.... But i cant linger there, because, well.... you know.... There are also nice moments in my life, i enjoy myself and all that. iit is just this very essential ..... missing... or so it feels... pac, they told me all the platitutes, too; dont go searching, then he will find you. dont do this, dont do that... The strangest thing is, those folks were all in a very satisfied d/s relation easy talk... bleagh! I feel you, too!
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brandy, i am soo happy for you, that you found what works best for you! I dont call that shallow, you know what you want and need, and find your partners for that. OOh, yes, flirting is nice! i do that too. Not every one is made for such a dynamic. That counts for ds and submissives too. And that is alright!
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sadiedollie, Thank you, the sadness is sometimes soo heavy... sighs...
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Iso, It are most of the times, very clingy groups, They are all everyones "best friends", amp;who think they know how to DO SM. And everyone else is doing it wrong.. The play-sex way is THE ONLY WAY! At least that is my experience.... on Fet and at munches
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drmgirl, Yes! it is all about the mondain stuff. in the relation. And have the same ideas about how to form this bond. And the SM "sex" is just a acknowledgement of it all
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teacher, I dont understand your reaction, but that could be very well just be me/. Anyway, thank you for your thoughts.
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Jenny, To be frankly, i lost all hope, i am sick and tired of all the lies.,all those shallow men,..  Have a great new year too!
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Hiddens, Thanks for your reaction! Wannebees find each other, at munches! . 
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rob, sighs, Yes! to be understood in my core being - not the outside person.... I am sorry to hear, about how your marriage went down the drain. Maybe you two, were just not compatible on the SM part.....? or PowerDYnamic Part? SOme people are just 100% vanilla, you cant chance that, either....
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rob, change ofcourse! Pfff....
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You make some interesting observations most of which i would agree with. Too much focus on the S&M activities when its really about making a connection between two equal status people - not 'who would you like to beat you tonight?' It takes strength to submit to another and thats not always recognised or value by less intelligent dominants. You need a connection between two people first which may then develop into a D/s one by consent
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palinax, Agree, there is so much more needed, to build a D/s, or a M/s... Most just want to get their itch taken care of, dont offer anything, just want to take... The porn view on "kink" - not SM, or a D/s dynamic....
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