target for change?
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Posted:Jul 4, 2022 10:57 pm
Last Updated:Jul 6, 2022 3:47 pm 2235 Views
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Times they are definitely a-changing. People insist on being called stranger and more outlandish pronouns, monuments and statues are being torn down or removed and the names of streets and institutions changed because we’re finding out the famous people they were named after or built for were in fact assholes, new holidays are being added and entire months dedicated to folks who aren’t caucasian, and the list goes on. The world has gone a bit out of its mind trying to be politically correct and accommodating, yet the antiquated way Americans celebrate their day of independence is still socially acceptable and remains relatively untouched. Although I admit I am starting to see small changes.
Look, everybody knows that fireworks frighten animals, and I am talking about the ones inside and outside your home. Yes, to me the wild animals count. Can you fucking imagine what the cacophony of bright flashing lights and explosions does to them on the 4th / fourth of July? At least the family or cat is usually inside and able to cower under a bed or something. For those uncaring jerks who don’t have a heart for animals, perhaps there is a Veteran in your life with PTSD, for whom Independence Day can be particularly challenging. There’s the very real risk of starting fires, but there’s also pollution that comes in the form of noise, smoke and sulfur in the air, and of course the burned out husks of the fireworks themselves that often litter the streets for weeks after the holiday. Toss in people like me with mental conditions, or folks that just want a bit of peace and quiet, and you have a celebration with many detractors, and demonstrable adverse affects. I think it’s time to either get rid of Independence day or at the very least change the way we celebrate it.
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worried for nothing
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Posted:Jul 2, 2022 10:58 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 10:14 am 2174 Views
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A few days ago I heard the distinct sound of fireworks popping right around the time that dusk was settling in. There were still many days to go until the 4th / fourth of July rolled around, so I admit I got pretty upset at the notion that illegal fireworks were already starting. The pessimist in me figured it was going to be a tough couple of weeks, but it turns out I was incorrect, and I am extremely happy to admit that. For the most part, it has been very quiet around here, at least as far as that goes. I’m still dealing with revving engines, bumping bass from stereos, and modified exhaust systems that make a vehicle ridiculously noisy but at least when the sun goes down I haven’t also been dealing with loud, concussive pops that are sudden and unpredictable. There’s nothing like spending your evenings jumping out of your skin from being startled to make you love Independence Day.
When a fireworks stand popped up in the parking lot of the nearest grocery store I was very tempted to go and make a fuss. I’d like to approach the folks selling them and ask if they give any thought to the welfare of Veterans, domestic and wild animals, or people who just don’t react well to explosions in the sky. I’d want to ask people making purchases the same thing. My days of being confrontational are quickly waning though, and this is a battle I know I would not win. Most folks don’t care about anything but themselves and the good time they have planned. The cost to others doesn’t even factor into their decisions. That is why the cities I live in are filled with people making as much noise as they possibly can, day and night, with no regard for anyone in their proximity. That is why I am still determined to escape as soon as possible.
Were it not for my fall from the ladder at the end of March I would probably not be in the city this year, for the holiday. I’ve been stressed about the fact that I will be around, but it turns out that was pretty unnecessary. In fact, I can’t recall the last time I had a 4th / fourth of July (or the weeks leading up to it at least) that was calmer and quieter. I am happy to admit my fears were unfounded and grateful for the relatively peaceful evenings leading up tp the big night. My years in Woodburn, Oregon were torturous by comparison, so I remain grateful, and hopeful the night of the 4th / fourth doesn’t drag on too long. If it does, that’ll be a small price to pay for all the silence that preceded it.
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you can't keep a good man soft
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Posted:Jun 27, 2022 6:02 pm
Last Updated:Jul 2, 2022 10:58 pm 2507 Views
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Maybe it’s the shift in the weather (from overcast and rainy to blue skies and sunshine) or maybe it’s the fact that I am getting healthier (but not having any sex) but my desire has been very strong lately. What it has amounted to is a lot of time spent in front of the camera.
My sex slave ChrisSwallows has a big backyard that is mostly private, so going out there to get naked and fool around maybe isn’t as risky as it seems, but it still feels liberating. And if you can’t tell by the photos it has also been an arousing good time.
Lighting in my room is terrible but I still manage to capture a few things when I put my mind to it. Since I can’t put these loads in a person, I’ll put them on film, and see if a few bucks can’t be made. The practice is good for me and will go a long way towards getting used to, and accepting, my scars. They still seem a bit unseemly to me.
It’s glorious to have an appetite, just frustrating that I am so limited right now, especially with the weather turning hot and bothered. I’d like to be watching my sex slave ChirsSwallows suck on a huge dick, then following it with my own when he was finished, but right now I’d only be good for watching and maybe jerking off while I did. Alas, the desire to get off has been channeled, for now, to something productive and pleasurable at the same time. At least the people watching my movies can enjoy “having sex with me” if they jerk off whilst viewing.
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plateau? I think no
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Posted:Jun 25, 2022 2:02 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 10:14 am 2363 Views
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I’ve never really had a major injury before. I mean I hurt my back pretty badly once or twice but the total recovery time during those instances was short; maybe 10 / ten days. Until March I’d never broken a bone, and rarely broken the skin. Yes, I have scars, but they didn’t have horror stories attached to them until now.
My expectations so far have been crushed. What I thought was going to be a relatively quick and easy process has turned out to be a difficult, painful, arduous one. The damage I inflicted on my hip and pelvis was pretty major, I just haven’t really come to terms with that yet I guess. You might as well say I’m half learning to walk again, because even if the muscles are getting stronger they don’t seem to remember how to function correctly. I was getting frustrated because I thought my progress had plateaued, but then suddenly a set of muscles came to life, or activated is what I like to say.
Specifically, it was my Rectus Femoris and it seemed to almost leap to life. I’d been doing little workouts that involved flexing it, but it hadn’t seemed important to maintaining a steady gait. Turns out I was wrong, and at this point in my recovery it is necessary to compensate for other, weaker areas of the leg that haven’t caught up yet. I still have to kind of concentrate to get it to work sometimes, and the progress on my hobble and wobble is terribly incremental, but there is progress.
There’s no denying I am getting more active, but with that comes a proportionate dull ache that I’d just as soon not medicate. So the more I do the more I hurt, but the better the progress and rehabilitation. No pain, no gain. Even though the doctor warned against riding my bike in and around the neighborhood, he did say the activity would be good for me, so I have been taking short, careful trips while the weather has been warm. I can ride my bike again; that’s progressing not plateauing.
The ever present sensation of foreign materials and objects inside of me remains unsettling, and a major reason I haven’t made better progress. I’m definitely not as flexible as I probably should be by now, mainly because when I lean too far forward I can feel those plates and screws inside of my body shifting and pressing up against me. If that sensation doesn’t eventually go away I’ll be forced to conquer it, but for now I’m taking things extra slow because I am frightened of causing myself any more pain, or worse, re-injuring that area by pushing too hard or extending too far. The doctor and physical therapists swear I can push myself harder and further, but of course they’re not the ones who’d have to deal with the pain if that turned out to be incorrect. I remain overly cautious because I’d just as soon never, EVER experience this level of pain (and all that is attached to it) again.
I’m going to be able to walk, maybe fully recover and find myself capable of so much more, but one thing is certain; this is NOT going to be quick or easy.
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DikTok
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Posted:Jun 22, 2022 12:15 pm
Last Updated:Jun 24, 2022 12:13 pm 1782 Views
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When I post videos on TikTok I have to worry about the content being offensive to certain people, so I censor myself. I also have a time limit, which keeps me from rambling on. Since my business is the making and selling of an adult product, any mention of it on my TikTok feed has to be worded and presented carefully. As of this writing I have yet to fully or formally talk about the movies I make, and certainly haven’t put any links up for people to follow. For now I’m trying to keep my feed PG-13 or less.
There are things of an adult nature that I do want to talk about though, and since I can’t do it on TikTok without risking punishment I decided to start posting videos on my ManyVids page and just making them FREE for everyone to see. I know it’s not remotely original, and in fact sounds a bit juvenile, but I am calling the series of videos my DikTok.
Yes, there is nudity sometimes.
Yes, I say or show things that would probably get me in trouble on TikTok.
It’s typically not porn though. I mean, a person can jerk off to anything, but I’m not trying to be particular sexy for the majority of the videos. Some posts are informative, some entertaining, but it’s more talking head than getting head, if you know what I mean.
My DikTok is only on my MVboys feed, which is VascularHomicide if you want to go check it out.
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I'm hungry, he's hungry
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Posted:Jun 20, 2022 11:15 am
Last Updated:Jun 21, 2022 7:28 pm 1831 Views
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My appetite for sex has not waned one bit. Were it not for the fact that things still feel a bit painful and “off” in my pelvic region I’d be back to shoving my cock in dark, wet and willing holes on a frequent basis. Instead, I am utilizing that energy and putting it to use making new videos. Nothing spectacular, but not only am I satisfying my sexual need I am being productive. It’s good to be responsible with my penis sometimes.
To build up big loads I have been getting on my phone and searching an app called Sniffies for masturbation fodder. It’s a gay hookup site but there are plenty of men who would be compatible if I were actually looking to get together with someone. I don’t trade messages and lead anyone on I just do a lot of browsing, and while I do that I stroke my cock. Eventually I pull out a camera and record myself, ending with a big cum shot because I’ve been edging for maybe an hour or so. Nothing awe-inspiring mind you, but it looks good on film.
Every once in a while my sex slave ChrisSwallows will send me a message, inquiring about when we will return to fooling around together. He is eager to suck my cock; he would say he’s hungry and wants to be fed. As much as my heart (and cock) is into it I have to refuse him. When I masturbate it feels good, but still strange, and I don’t think I’d have the power to face fuck like I would want to. My scars and the area surrounding them are still sensitive to the point it’s almost unbearable to touch them. If my cock weren’t getting hard at all this experience would be emasculating, but instead it’s just frustrating. I want to be sexually active and enjoying orgasmic moments of release but instead I’m just jerking off. Make no mistake about it though; I am grateful. The fact that my cock works and I have an appetite is fantastic news considering the accident caused serious damage to my pelvis. In other words; it could be SO MUCH worse.
More patience, more healing, more intense interactions when I am finally capable of having them. That’ll be my mantra for now.
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pop go the assholes
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Posted:Jun 18, 2022 1:27 am
Last Updated:Jun 20, 2022 11:15 am 1776 Views
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The month of June is just barely half over and the sound of fireworks has already begun.
Like a soldier with PTSD I practically leap out of my skin every time a thud or concussive pop rings out in the night. It’s like getting slapped in the head, but actually inside of it and not up against it. The explosion in the air outside causes an explosion in my mind that travels like a jolt to the very core of my being. Sound overly dramatic? It might to you, but it’s also a fair representation of what happens, and how I feel.
Not too long ago I had a post on TikTok go semi-viral because I stood in front of my camera and gave the literal and verbal middle finger to people who modified the exhaust systems of their vehicles so that they would make more noise. The “car community” took offense, and are still coming in droves to express their dislike for me, and what I had to say. I predict the same thing will happen again, long before the 4th / fourth day of July rolls around in a few weeks. I say this because I’m certain the noise from what are essentially illegal fireworks will drive me up the wall, and soon enough I will be recording a rant to post on TikTok. I will insult people who feel it is necessary to continue this wasteful, harmful, barbaric act of setting off screaming, shrieking, fizzing, popping, thudding, concussive ordinance. My middle finger will go up again, and I predict swift trolling from “patriots” and defenders of “freedom” at the very least. This country is FULL of idiots and this time of year only serves to amplify that fact.
Do we really have no other way to celebrate our day of independence? Something more constructive, less destructive? An activity that doesn’t cause distress to war Veterans, wildlife, house pets, sensitive people, folks who might be trying to sleep, etc. would be my suggestion. Can’t we treat it like Xmas or Easter and just make macaroni pictures or something crafty like that? It might result in some unnecessary waste but at least the air won’t smell like sulfur and the streets won’t be littered with the carcasses of spent fireworks for a week afterwards. Fuck your fireworks, the noise they make, the mess they make, and the pollution they create.
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look Ma, no crutches
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Posted:Jun 15, 2022 6:09 pm
Last Updated:Jun 18, 2022 1:28 am 2141 Views
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For those don’t know, on March 24th of this year (2022) I fell from the top of a ladder onto a concrete floor, fracturing my wrist and seriously damaging my hip and pelvis. I had 1 / one major surgery and spent roughly / ten days in the hospital recovering, before being allowed go home. Since then I’ve been trying my best rehabilitate and get back on my feet. Literally.
When I left the hospital I absolutely NEEDED the 2 / two Oxycodone pills every 4 / four hours that I had been taking since the day of the surgery. Over time I knocked it down 1 / one every 4 / four hours and then extended that time between doses nearly / ten hours, before stopping altogether. I didn’t completely quit cold turkey, but I switched to Neproxen, which is Aleve to you and me. It barely takes the edge off of any pain I so I pretty much go without it. I’m getting used the discomfort and gets a bit better every day, so I see an eventual plateau, or cessation, or something in between.
When I left the hospital I absolutely NEEDED a walker make anywhere, including the bathroom, library, etc. If I wanted change a DVD (the player is probably 7 / seven feet away) I had use the damn thing. felt like took forever, but eventually I made crutches, and since then been quickly shedding them. I can now go back wandering the aisles of the grocery store when I shop, using a single crutch, and barely fatigues me or causes pain. The cane my lovely and wonderful slave ChrisSwallows purchased for me is getting moderate use, but I’m excited say that I can make most places in my room now without the use of either aide. I’m still wobbly, and sort of hopping or groping for support, but progress is evident. Earlier today I swept the area between my room and the main house and did not rely on any assistance beyond my own legs - and the broom. It was awkward but rewarding.
My last doctor visit was a few days ago and he said my x-rays looked fantastic, and my progress is where he thinks should be. He advised me take my time and heal and rehabilitate at my own pace. He also expressed confidence in me and eased my mind on many matters I’d been worrying over. When I wake up from what are now much more solid bouts of sleep I can feel the difference - I can feel how much better I feel haha - and that is giving me hope and keeping me motivated. I know I will be able walk again for sure, unless something really bizarre and unfortunate happens, so ’s just a matter of how quickly I can make that happen. The doctor tells me I should be flexible and capable of most things I was before. ’s all just a matter of time and effort on my part.
Being able simply walk like a normal person is motivation enough.
Being able eventually get back on my bike with confidence is a big bonus.
I want take some long, relaxing walks this summer, in my neighborhood and perhaps other parts of town. ’s an incredibly long, paved trail basically just down the street from where I live that I really, really need explore. And some day I am going feel good enough that I can get back placing my penis in dark places and thrusting aggressively until I ejaculate. Yes, returning some semblance of normalcy would be glorious!
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not just sitting around
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Posted:Jun 3, 2022 4:27 am
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 10:14 am 2455 Views
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Progress with rehabilitation is going nicely, thanks in no small part to the fact that I’ve kept myself as busy as I could possibly handle. In addition to my daily online responsibilities I have done my level best to keep physically occupied as well. My room does not get dirty because I run the vacuum frequently, wash dishes as soon as I dirty them, keep the garbage under control and clean up messes the moment they happen. I have a workout routine that includes upper body every other day, and walking every single day. Most of the time I go down our long driveway, take a right, go down to the end of the block, take the next right and walk as far up the street as I can before turning back. While using both crutches I could cover quite a distance but I’m down to just the one / 1, so my body is working really hard and I get fatigued much quicker. It’s a combination of deep pain and exhaustion I’m not quite used to yet.
Trips to the library have been frequent, and I’ve probably gone to the grocery store far more often than necessary, but that’s all physical activity that benefits my recovery. Sleep is finally coming in larger chunks, but even when I’m up at odd hours of the night I get on the laptop and do something online to promote my movies, or just generate more visibility in general. Sales were up a tiny bit for a while, partially because of this I am sure, but I’m still struggling to regain my place in the popularity game. The point is, I might be stuck on my ass and back a lot, but I’m not just sitting around doing nothing. Yes, I watch a lot of movies, but that’s really the only time I have “off”. Those are my “break times” from the still painful reality of my situation. The rest of the time I am working, rehabbing and trying to be productive and responsible. Hopefully it’ll pay off in many ways, but top of the list is gaining back my strength, flexibility and mobility. I can’t make any real, substantial strides forward if I can’t even take that first step with confidence, so a whole lot of sitting around I don’t do, unless it is just absolutely necessary.
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ugly on the outside
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Posted:May 30, 2022 3:28 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 10:14 am 2413 Views
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Although I’ve never considered myself a particularly good looking or handsome guy I’ve rarely suffered from low self esteem. I’ve always had a decent physique and beautiful cock so it wasn’t difficult to feel confident on some level. There have been times when my body was maybe extra slim or muscular, or when my hair was just the right length that it framed and accentuated my facial features just right, but for the most part I know I’ve never been considered “hot”, or anything close to that. Thankfully I have personality and intellect to make up for that deficiency.
I think the lowest my self esteem has ever been was probably while I was in Junior High School. You know; bad teeth, acne, no muscle definition, no personality, no confidence at all. Right now I feel about as attractive and desirable as I did back then. No, my teeth aren’t rotting or getting crooked, and my face is still free from blemishes but there are some things I don’t feel good about. The loss of muscle definition was to be expected, and I am working to gain that back, but inactivity and a different diet wound up changing the way my stomach and abs look as well. For now. I know I can, and will make changes, but at this moment I feel very unattractive, very undesirable, very ugly.
Thankfully I am not a vain person or I’d probably be dipping into a deep depression over this. My self worth is not dependent on my abdominal muscles or my cock - or any other physical feature you might name. I long ago settled into the idea that I’ll never be in another romantic relationship so the only people I have to worry about judging my looks are those who watch and purchase my videos. For them I will fret about my abs, or the scars near my cock, but in my day-to-day life it’s not likely to matter one bit. If I manage to miraculously meet someone special in my near-isolation I doubt they’ll be repulsed by me or anything like that. I am just not at my finest, feel like I’m at one of my lowest, but probably hovering somewhere in the middle.
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