What Does Vetting Look Like?
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Posted:Mar 17, 2023 4:00 am
Last Updated:Feb 23, 2024 2:18 am 7320 Views
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If you do any significant amount of reading about D/s you’re sure to encounter the idea that it is the responsibility of each party to ‘vet’ the other before formalizing a relationship. This advice is normally aimed at submissives, and my writing will be too because it brings me to point number one…
Until the point where a submissive has agreed to enter into the power exchange dynamic, it is the submissive who is in control. I know, that’s an uncomfortable thing. We don’t enjoy taking control, and the idea of being responsible for such a big decision is daunting, but it’s very important.
Giving control over your body, and your well-being, to another person, is to be taken incredibly seriously, and you can’t make someone else responsible. If you decide to give your power to someone you haven’t taken the time to vet, it would be unfair not to take some of the responsibility when things go south. If you invite a snake into your bed, you have to own your responsibility when he bites.
The first step to vetting someone is to get to know them as a person. Just like every other relationship. The vanilla things matter. Let me repeat that in case it didn’t sink in… the vanilla things matter. Your morals, religion, hobbies, and personalities need to align the same way any other couple should.
That doesn’t mean they need to be the same. It’s okay if he loves hiking and you’d rather sit in with a book, but these things must align. There shouldn’t be contention every time you discuss what to do on Saturday, and you shouldn’t feel that you’re compromising yourself to make it work. You’ll want to avoid letting sex and kink be the main topic of conversation at this point.
As you’re getting to know this person you’ll probably start seeing little glimpses of dominance peeking through. You’ll notice the way he checks in often, asks you to call when you’ve arrived home safely, or tells you where you’ll be going for dinner rather than asking.
The next step in your vetting is going to be giving him opportunities to lead. Push small pieces of power over the line and watch to see what he does with them. Watch carefully, and be honest with yourself about how he responds. Does it feel right? Is he putting your well-being above his desires?
Tell him you’ve been feeling tired in the mornings before work and don’t know if you should try showering at night, what does he think? Does he ask questions about when you go to bed? Does he say “whatever you think,” or otherwise let the opportunity to decide for you pass? Does he send you to bed when you have an early day even though he’d rather stay on the phone? These little ‘tests’ are all insignificant in themselves, but they combine to give you a very clear picture of what sort of leader you have.
This is the point where discussion of your future/potential dynamic will start coming into the picture. Let him know how you feel about the decisions he’s made for you. “It was nice not to have to decide… thank you for ordering for me…It made me feel really cared for when you called because I didn’t text when I got home.” Then start asking questions. LOTS OF THEM.
Discuss kinks, sure, but don’t let that be the only thing. Ask him what he imagines the day-to-day looks like. How much free time does he have? Why did it end with his last submissive? Are there any things that are must-haves? Limits? This is when the discussion crosses past the vanilla and becomes about shaping a dynamic. You want to find out what is important to each other, what sort of control will he want? How will he exercise it?
Continue pushing pieces of power over the line and keep watching to see what happens. Don’t rush it. If this is the right Dominant for you, then you’ll know over time. Does he own when he’s made a mistake, or try to cover it with excuses? How does he react when you’ve forgotten to do something he asked. Does he speak poorly about every woman he’s ever been with? If so this is a red flag you should be aware of. Sexual tensions are high at the beginning of a relationship. It’s exciting for both parties, but does every conversation come back to sex?
If you take to vetting this way, with open honest communication about the dynamic, there will be no question that you are looking to be his, and that he is looking to own you. Some traditionalists feel it’s the sub’s responsibility to first approach the Dominant seeking ownership, and you’ll probably want to discuss expectations about this before the time comes so no one is left wondering what they’ve done wrong.
Have fun. Enjoy the journey, and above all don’t rush the process. If it’s the right person you’ll be glad you took the time. If it’s the wrong person, you’ll be even more grateful.
pleasurewhore~
*Archive
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Love
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Posted:Mar 16, 2023 1:40 am
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2023 2:41 am 6233 Views
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Love was the swelling, hopeful feeling in my chest every time I saw him. Love was the way I could forget about everything when I was with him. Love was the catch in my breath when he looked at me in his intense way. Love was the gasp he could draw out of me with the simplest of touches. Love was the way I could... I could be myself around him, knowing that I didn't need to be perfect or worry about what he was thinking because he accepted me.
@simplymarge
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Shibari IX
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Posted:Mar 15, 2023 4:57 am
Last Updated:Mar 20, 2023 3:18 am 8193 Views
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Definition - What does Shibari mean?
Shibari is a traditional form of artistic rope bondage that originated in Japan. The word Shibari literally translates as "to tie." Thin pieces of rope are used to create the intricate geometric patterns and shapes which characterize this beautiful and sensual art form Shibari.
Shibari developed from the ancient martial art of Hojo-Jutsu which the police and Samurai used to restrain prisoners from 1400 to 1700. In the late 1800s, a new erotic form of Hojo-Jutsu, dubbed Kinbaku, became popular. Kinbaku means "tight binding." More recently, the term Shibari has become a common term throughout the world to describe the intricate rope bondage practiced in BDSM play. Many people use the terms interchangeably although some suggest that Shibari refers specifically to the aesthetic rope bondage while Kinbaku describes the sexual experience as a whole.
Shibari is also commonly called Japanese rope bondage.
A Shibari session can be thought of as a power exchange that develops through the use of ropes. The person who ties, commonly known as the rigger, restrains his or her partner, known as the model, according to the emotional and physical reactions observed.
Shibari devotees enjoy the way that the elaborate rope designs and the material's rugged texture contrast with smooth skin and its simple curves. Some have likened the model to a canvas, and the rigger to an artist who uses rope instead of a brush and paint.
Shibari ropes and knots are also strategically positioned to stimulate the body's pressure points, almost like a Shiatsu massage. The model typically derives pleasure from ties across their breasts, genitals, and other erogenous zones. In some cases, the model is also stimulated by whipping or beating tools. Shibari is often used in conjunction with suspension bondage. Shibari sessions often involve intercourse, but this isn't always the case.
Traditionalists believe the practice of Shibari can stimulate Ki energy flow and transfer. It’s also possible for the model to enter a trance-like state as their endorphins and other hormone levels increase. The term "rope drunk" has been used to describe the state of a model recovering from a Shibari session.
This is my ninth installment of "Shibari" If you're interested in the rest of them, feel free to look them up in the search box under " It's All Relevant" on my blog.
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Reciprocity
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Posted:Mar 14, 2023 7:58 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2024 1:30 am 6278 Views
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There is a certain deep reciprocity between Dominance and submission. To take, both must give. To share that unbroken circle, the two must become one, even their hearts besting as such. Their souls must gently caress, and join forces, no longer two, but once more whole. To be strong, both must become open, raw, and vulnerable. If their love is foolish, then let them be the biggest fools of all. No one else needs to understand….
~dombruce2016
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7 Things I Wish I'd Known When I Was New to BDSM
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Posted:Mar 13, 2023 2:14 am
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2023 3:25 am 7978 Views
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As a slave (who used to identify as a submissive, who used to identify as a masochistic bottom) I was new at one time (yes really!!). When I came into the lifestyle I was all wide eyes, excitement, and a healthy dose of caution just days after learning that there was a word for the kinky stuff in my head. It was a very overwhelming time because I wanted to do everything and explore this new world right away. Now wasn't fast enough.
Thankfully I had a wake-up call by the name of a kind Dominant online that told me to take it easy and learn about this from the sidelines first before I jumped headfirst into the shallow end of the pool.
I'll never be able to thank him enough for that bit of advice. It's advice I try to tell every submissive, no matter their age or experience level. There is always time for a bit of education and knowledge before exploration. It can keep you safe, it can make you more aware, it can keep you safe and it can be fun.
To start, this isn't going to be an all-encompassing primer about BDSM. There is far too much information for me to lay it out for you. What I hope to do is give you practical knowledge to work from so that as you explore you will at least have the tools necessary to continue learning with confidence.
If you'd like a more detailed primer, might I suggest these books?
How to be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM by Morpheous
The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton
The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino
What is BDSM? What does it stand for?
There are so many primers out there about BDSM I’m not sure if another one is really needed. Then again with all the basic questions asked on forums and chat rooms about BDSM, it’s likely that my words will be read by someone and that they will take something new from them.
BDSM is an umbrella term for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. Each of these words on its own is a giant term with a lot of other vocabulary under them. Basically, anything kinky will fall under one of these terms. It's always good to have a working lexicon of the terms often used by the people who engage in BDSM and if you don't understand a word, you should look it up. You don’t have to know all of the vocabularies to practice BDSM but if you are really curious there are BDSM dictionaries all over the web.
On top of knowing some of the words comes learning some of the expectations and experiences, you can have in the BDSM Lifestyle. Becoming a submissive in a D/s dynamic is just like any other relationship with one very important difference. The roles are set, not fluid like a regular relationship. A dominant and submissive never switch roles (unless in agreed-upon circumstances) and the relationship continues strongly as this dynamic. People can be into kinky play and only engage in their roles in the bedroom or they can be in control of their chosen role throughout their lives.
Neither is greater or less valuable to BDSM. What one chooses to do within their relationship is personal and unique. Liking other people’s kinks is not required, but accepting them is looked favorably on. There are many things that I would never entertain as pleasurable or enjoyable but I can appreciate someone’s desire to do them for those reasons.
Not everyone you meet that is into BDSM wants to be part of a community. You can’t make someone come out into BDSM public and say they are kinky. BDSM is still in the closet for most folks and that’s okay with them. Those who want to be a part of the community bring with them a wonderful amount of experience and personal knowledge that everyone, including new people, can learn from.
1. Is It a Lifestyle?
BDSM is a Lifestyle for me. I live it all the time, it’s who I am. This is not the case with over half of the known BDSM population. The range of participation varies greatly. I can’t say that I know exact numbers, but I know that out of 10 kinky people, I could meet in a room, 7 of them probably do not identify as Lifestyle BDSMers. That’s fine with me, we can still chat kink and not get all uncomfortable because we aren’t EXACTLY alike, right?
There are many different roles you can be in BDSM as well, from Top, Dominant, or Master to bottom, submissive, and slave. There are also variations on these roles as well depending on the type of dynamic you want. You could be in a Daddy/little girl or Mommy/little boy dynamic. You could be in a Poly Master/slave household where you are the alpha. You could just be kinky and love the fun stuff in the bedroom. It’s all available to you.
2. What’s the Big Deal?
BDSM is a big deal to those that have anything to do with it because it turns them on in some way; sexually, intellectually, emotionally, or all of the above. BDSM is not always sex-driven, but it can be. Some of us consider it almost a sexual orientation; I’ve recently been of the volition that sexual orientation can not only describe your gender-specific sexual identity but also the differences in how you enjoy sex.
For example, someone with an extreme but healthy fetish would have that fetish as a requirement for sex, just as being heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual is an identifier for each person. For someone such as myself, sex isn’t fulfilling if it does not have any elements of power exchange or SM. I do not get the same enjoyment from regular sex as I do with Power sex. This is not to say that I can’t have regular sex, it’s just my preference is Power Exchange and SM.
With the mainstream sensation of 50 Shades of Grey, more people are bringing D/s roleplay and BDSM into their bedrooms. With this influx of people, it's an important distinction that for many people BDSM is just a casual play experience, while others will apply D/s and kink to some or all of their lives and relationships. BDSM is changing people and providing avenues of expression that people may have never known before.
3. Am I Normal?
Yes, very much so. One of the first questions new submissives ask themselves is whether are they normal for desiring the things they do. This could be kinky sex, humiliation, or service. Anything that appears to fall outside the vanilla umbrella can cause a novice to question if they are normal. This, in fact, is normal.
Everyone questions themselves at one time or another. I’ve questioned myself many times. Each time I come out with a better understanding of myself and what I want in life. There is no reason to be afraid of new and different things. You may find that these things are worth your attention and could fulfill you in ways you never thought possible.
For example, even if you never thought you’d explore bondage you one day had the desire to see what it was all about. There is nothing wrong with trying it out to see what feelings and sensations there were. If you find you love it, then that’s just one more thing to learn all you can about and have fun with it. If you find there isn’t really a strong pull toward it you can chalk it on the no-thank-you list. Either way, it’s normal and human to explore things that are different and foreign.
What about things that could be dangerous or involve risks? Does this mean you are a risky person? Not really. Everything you do has risks, even driving to the corner store could end in a deadly accident. Just because there are risks involved doesn’t mean you should shelter your desires.
So what is normal? How can it be defined in a BDSM context? Not very easily, in fact. Normal is different for each person. Everyone’s idea of normal fluctuates and changes during their lives. So your idea of normal now won’t be the same 5 years or even 5 months from now.
The uncomfortable feelings you experience when everything is still brand new have nothing to do with normalcy but with acceptance. When you accept your feelings as normal then you will feel normal. Thousands of people all over the world are exploring new and exciting things all the time. Join the fun!
4. Yes, you should try new things. But not everything is going to be for you.
One of our human strengths is that we love to try new things. As a novice submissive you are probably very afraid to venture out of your bubble and try something that for the longest time has to seem terrifying and still exciting. I want to encourage you to try everything you are interested in at least once. Twice if you are not sure of your first response to it.
It is okay if you find that something doesn't do it for you. It's okay if you change your mind. And it's okay if someone else likes it but you don't. The key to exploration is to do so with an open mind and accept whatever response you get. For example, if you've had fantasies of being tied up with rope and made to orgasm over and over again but the real experience fell flat off your expectations you have a few choices. For example, if you've had fantasies of being tied up with rope and made to orgasm over and over again but the real experience fell flat off your expectations you have a few choices.
You can decide that it was hotter in fantasy but you are very glad that you tried it. You won't be doing it again anytime soon.
You can figure out that it was the person, situation, or time frame that affected your response to playing out your fantasy and you want to try it again when things are more favorable.
You can decide that once was enough, now where is the next fantasy?
There are kinks that you will encounter that offend, repulse, or just make you feel oogy. These are things that drive other people wild, but that doesn't mean you have to try them. You don't even have to watch them. But you do have to accept that other people can and will participate in kinky activities that you don't like.
Keep an open mind.
5. Yes, you can do that. Yes, others will have issues with it. No, they don’t matter.
I said above that you may encounter kinky activities that may offend you or make wonder why anyone would find that exciting. But it could also be that you have an unusual or particularly unique kink that few others share. You may find people don't like that kink and will be very vocal about why.
Don't let that bother you. I know that sounds easier said than done, but learn to have a thick skin because there will be people who have closed minds and find that their brand of kink is the only way and anyone who says or does differently is wrong. The truth is that they don't matter to you.
What matters is how you explore life and how you feel about your place in BDSM. Your confidence is sexy and knowing your preferences no matter how others feel about them is powerful. Consider it this way; what harm is it to you what they think about something you find to be enjoyable or the right way for you to do something? How will it affect you once they turn around and walk away?
Probably very little. Embrace who you are.
6. Yes, you should explore your fantasies. But recognize that not all fantasies translate easily to real life.
I've touched on this a bit above, but not all fantasies work well in practice and some shouldn't ever leave the realm of your dreams. The reason this is, will probably not escape you. There are safety risks or expectations that just won't work in real life. Say for example you have a fantasy to experience a stressful position that is known to kill people or a real torture tactic like water-boarding. The safety in these situations is far above SSC, RACK, or any other safety limitations that others may have. Similarly, there are fantasies that violate the law or moral code, such as pedophilia or animal cruelty that really should remain a part of a fantasy.
With that said, you can simulate a lot of things to experience something like your fantasy without harm and well within the realm of safety. I heard a story of someone who wanted to experience necrophilia with their partner (without actual death). To make this fantasy “real” the female partner went into a private cemetery at night and laid down over a grave for over an hour, getting chilled from the cold ground and frosty air. Then, at the agreed time, the man would explore the cemetery and discover her “dead” body and ravage her cold limp body. From the smiles on their faces, it appears it was a fantastic time for both.
Be creative and innovative with your fantasies to see if you can enact something that will give you the sensation of the fantasy without doing anything you may regret later.
7. Yes, there are other people who share your kink. But please don’t assume that the first person you find is The One for you.
Just because a person also loves having sex while rolling in Jell-O does not mean they are compatible with you.
That's right, I just said it. You've searched the world over for someone interested in the same kinky things you are and when you found one, I'm telling you to hold it right there a moment and think. You remember thinking, right? That mind function you had before all common sense fled and you were suddenly in a frenzy over finding someone who shared the same kinks as you and now you just had to have it? Yeah, that.
Ok, okay, so there are two scenarios here. You want a casual fling with someone and to experience a kink or fantasy that you have only found one other person that's into. Fine, go rock your world. There's really no need for further compatibility if that's all you are looking for.
But if you want a relationship with someone that enjoys a particular kink so that you can experience it again and again, as well as the dynamics a relationship can bring, read on. Realistically, do you think you are completely compatible with someone that you know just one thing about? It's like a lottery number, the likelihood is that you'll not win. So, before the roll-in jello, unless that's all you are interested in, talk to the person. Realistically, do you think you are completely compatible with someone that you know just one thing about? It's like a lottery number, the likelihood is that you'll not win. So, before the roll-in jello, unless that's all you are interested in, talk to the person.
A relationship isn't about one specific fantasy fulfilled, it's about being each other’s dreams realized. Even if you've looked for someone for months or years and this is the first person who has said, yes I love that kink, if you aren't relationship compatible then that really means nothing. The scope is larger than that.
This goes for submissives brand new to submission or BDSM. The first Dominant you meet is not necessarily your dream Dom. Do not submit to anyone until you know them forward and backward and are sure you are compatible with them. Date them, regularly date them. Develop a relationship with them before adding kink.
If after a time of your choosing, you decide that this person could really be your dream Dominant, then go for it. My best wishes to you.
Written By LunaKM ( A Submissives Guide )
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~Sunday Sway (Goodbyes)
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Posted:Mar 12, 2023 3:16 am
Last Updated:May 5, 2024 1:52 am 6762 Views
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* Stay With Me ~ Margaret Glaspy~ Devotion
* I Know It's Over ~ The Smiths ~ The Queen Is Dead
* Voices In The Sky ~ The Moody Blues ~ In Seach Of The Lost Chord
* Waterloo Sunset ~ The Kinks ~ The Anthology
* Sometimes It Snows In April ~ Prince ~ Parade
* Out On The Weekend ~ Neil Young ~ Harvest
* Love Is A Losing Game ~ Amy Winehouse ~ Back To Black
* Kiss Off ~ Violent Femmes ~ Violent Femmes
* Dream A Little Dream Of Me ~ The Mamas And Papas ~Creque Alley
* Love Minus Zero/ No Limit ~ Bob Dylan ~ 1966 Live At The Odeon, Liverpool
* America ~ Simon & Garfunkel ~ Bookends
~Love Minus Zero/ No Limit ~ Bob Dylan
My love, she speaks like silence
Without ideals or violence
She doesn't have to say she's faithful
Yet she's true, like ice, like fire
People carry roses
And make promises by the hours
My love, she laughs like the flowers
Valentines can't buy her
In the dime stores and bus stations
People talk of situations
Read books, repeat quotations
Draw conclusions on the wall
Some speak of the future
My love she speaks softly
She knows there's no success like failure
And that failure's no success at all
The cloak and dagger dangles
Madams light the candles
In ceremonies of the horsemen
Even the pawn must hold a grudge
Statues made of matchsticks
Crumble into one another
My love winks, she does not bother
She knows too much to argue or to judge
The bridge at midnight trembles
The country doctor rambles
Bankers' nieces seek perfection
Expecting all the gifts that wise men bring
The wind howls like a hammer
The night blows rainy
My love, she's like some raven
At my window with a broken wing
**On Goodbyes
“The reason it hurts so much to separate is that our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we've found each other. And maybe each time, we've been forced apart for the same reasons. That means that this goodbye is both a goodbye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
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Somethings Missing....
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Posted:Mar 10, 2023 2:00 am
Last Updated:Mar 30, 2023 5:25 pm 5970 Views
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When of the best parts of a D/s relationship is just reaching out and grabbing someone. the hair, ass, hip, or hand; roughly or sweet and soft: any and all options are perfect because you get that little startled reaction that turns into a smile as they stumble into being pressed against you. And when you kiss them afterward… Slow and sensual? Hard and needy? A little gentle kiss on the tip of the nose or forehead or the sort of kissing that leaves them moaning and grinding into your thigh? It doesn’t matter what kind of kiss it is. The treasure is that smile you get afterward, and the look in their eye telling you they’re yours.
It's been too long...
~lovethythrall
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Risking Everything
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Posted:Mar 9, 2023 7:58 pm
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2024 1:20 am 5770 Views
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“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, and risking everything for. The trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.”
- Erica Jong
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