Realization
|
Posted:Sep 19, 2022 6:59 am
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2022 7:02 am 1271 Views
|
I know that I have come on here infrequently but I think that I've come up with something - I think that I have come to the conclusion that I have hated myself for so long that I have internalized it so much that I have given up. I never really had a teenage world of exploration, experimentation, trying to figure out where I fit into this world, the possibility of having fun with as few consequences as possible - all that was taken from me when I was roofied, taken advantage of, got pregnant and forced to marry them. No prom, no first date, no graduating high school, My entire life has been dictated since by this one act out of my control at 13.
I have lost before I even knew that there was a fight... and everything I have written about on here is a reflection of that. Being taken against my will, forced to do whatever it is that they want of me, having no voice against it... these are just realizations that my life is just that - being taken and not having a voice in the outcome. That is all that my life has given me so why bother?
Because, while my life is fucked, my has a life that is not. At this point, it is the only reason I am still alive with any thoughts for myself and not just dead or worse. I will never know romantic love but I do not need it. I will never know actual passion but I do not need it. What I need is my to have the best life that I could never have, one filled with them enjoying life, making their own choices about what they want to do, who they want to be, to experience love and passion that does not exist for me.
The only choice for me is to make that happen for them, not for myself.
That is it.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Where I Am
|
Posted:Mar 20, 2021 2:48 pm
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2023 4:42 am 2083 Views
|
So, I should probably write about myself and where my journey has taken in these past few months.
in the process of getting a divorce - paperwork has been filed but we have not seen a judge to finalize the situation. My soon-to-be ex is in the middle of moving in with the woman that he's been seeing. Once the divorce has been finalized, then the military side of things can be resolved. I will have full custody of my but he will have unsupervised visitation while he's able to (for example, if he gets sent away to a different base then that will be difficult to achieve but not preventing him from seeing his . While unfaithful to , he's never been anything but a good father.)
currently working remote for the foreseeable future. This allows to stay home with my and to help her with her lessons. While she isn't going to right now, she will next year. Between COVID and the divorce, it seemed like a better idea to stay home and just "learn with Mommy" for now.
I think that, in terms of what I've written about before, that I wasn't in a good mind place about myself. still not completely but I think better now. After he moved , I felt two separate and yet equal weights being raised and being lowered at the same time - The removal of someone who never loved me and the burden of being a single parent alone. I do not have many friends and none whom are close, my family has never liked me so being alone is literally being alone.
If it wasn't for my , I don't think that I could honestly say that I've ever had anyone who's ever truly loved . I think that might've been why the fantasies that I've had were as inhumane as they were - because if I didn't like , why should anyone else? Best to simply use her as a piece of meat and enjoy it that way. I don't want that but in some headspace in my head, I think that's where these fantasies played .
honestly not even sure that I like sex. I've never enjoyed the sex in my life that I've had, never had an orgasm during sex and at this point, the one that make get close to that feeling has been . Even on that point, I don't even feel that need much anymore. It's like a lighthouse in the midst of a foggy night - you can see the light but it's not blinding when you stare directly it.
Anyway, I feel like rambling now. Thanks for reading.
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
Second Fantasy
|
Posted:Jul 4, 2020 4:15 am
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2023 4:42 am 6067 Views
|
Same as the first -
I remember getting ready for bed and remember getting into bed... but when I opened my eyes again, I don't know where I am. I'm attached to some kind of platform, kneeling with my knees stretched wide apart and attached to the far front corners of the platform while my wrists are attached at the other corners. I'm held tightly in place, arching my naked body upward and towards the middle of the platform, allowing as much access to my body as one could to touch. I was able to move my hips side to side as I tried to raise my head... until a loud slap across the face startled me, my eyes tearing up almost immediately.
"Don't move"
It was an unknown voice over a modulator like on one of those tv shows. "Please, let me go," I say, attempting to sound less in terror than I am. "No."
I can feel something going into the platform from behind before going into the small of my back, then adding onto it so that it feels like the small of the back to the bottom of the shoulder blades has a small base of metal that I'm braced against. Next, someone uses some large straps around this new base and straps me to it just to keep me more pined below my chest and between my navel and hips.
Once more immobilized, I can feel something happening on my chest like lipstick being used on my nipples. I attempt to arch my neck to see if there's anything that I can see only to get slapped again going the other direction. By the time the sting has gone away, the person finishes up with my chest. A spotlight gets lit, focusing directly into my eyes so that I can't see. I clench my eyes closed as, not seeing the large ballgag being pried into my mouth as multiple sets of hands get it into place. After that, it feels like tubes are being pushed up my nose before something is placed on my head. It feels contoured to my head but I can't see anything except black and I can't hear smell or taste anything except the ball gag anymore, breathing only through the tubes in my nose. Lastly, a wide collar is attached around my neck and I can feel a click as it seems like I'm entombed inside of own head.
I panic and start thrashing until I feel a large shock at my neck and speaking coming into my ears - "Slut, you're going nowhere unless I want it. You're going to do everything that I want because you have no choice. You're now a prop to your own debasement and we're just getting started," the voice said, distinctively masculine but still modulated. 'So, we're going to take you out on the town and see how many people want to take part in it. You're on a platform that can be remote controlled to go wherever we want. Once at a location, each person will have the choice - If they pinch, slap, flick, suck on or do anything to your right nipple, they receive the address to where you're ending up. If they choose the other side, they won't. If they with both, it's the same as just one side. If they with neither and instead, elsewhere... well... you'll just have wait and see."
With that, the -encompassing silence fill my ears as I can feel the platform start move, being lifted into a truck or trailer, my heart pounding in my ears as sheer terror begin to overwhelm . I try my best remain calm but it's practically impossible. Time loses all meaning of measurement as I can feel my heartbeat in my ears. Eventually, I'm let out of whatever I was in before and I can feel the platform moving its own. What followed next was an endless sea of movement and touching/slapping/pinching/finger fucking, me attempting to move any part of my body trying to avoid it which seemed only to encourage more. "I wonder if they thought I wasn't real," I keep thinking during the moving from each encounter followed by its companion thought of, "Do any of them even try to help me escape?"
Lost in my own thoughts, I don't realize that I haven't moved in a while until my leg starts to tingle as blood starts to circulate again, shocking me out of my thoughts. The other leg is just as bad as my wrists are freed, sending welcoming relief to my taxed shoulders. Other than the collar and the mask, I'm freed from the platform as I feel different cuffs being attached to wrists and ankles. An audible pop is heard as the mask is removed from my head as a rush of sounds, smells and sights at once - abandoned drive-in theater, dirt and grass, multiple screens, the metal chains rattling. "Say nothing or get punished," the voice said as someone removes the ballgag from my mouth only replace it with a ring gag. I don't say anything as this is done, instead looking around at the metal wire frame that I'm seemingly being attached . Above my head is a series of pulleys which, as my head started realize what that means, the voice confirms it with, "Yes, you are now going be their fuckpuppet for as long as I see fit."
I attempted get pleading words out, trying anything avoid this fate but for naught as the pulleys did their thing - lifting off of the ground and brought the middle of multiple screens, angled in front of . As I get closer, each screen lights , displaying my naked form in giant form for anyone see. "Each of the ones that agreed, they're are going be able move their fuckpuppet into whatever position they want you in and fuck you until they cum. Then, the next one comes over and goes to their own thing while we get it film. And, for the ones that took extra liberties on your slut body... they get to do whatever they want... as long as you're not marked . Can't make more of these if you're disfigured, can we?"
My eyes widened the size of golf balls as the realization took hold. And that's when the first of many made their way down towards my naked bound form from which there was no escape.
|
|
|
5
Comments
|
|
The first fantasy
|
Posted:Jun 29, 2020 3:30 am
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2022 7:03 am 6851 Views
|
Let start by saying that this isn't the first one I've ever had, just the first one that I'm writing about. Also, I'm pretty sure that I'd never want this happen in real life.
It starts with standing in a long trenchcoat in front of a frat house. I'm able use my nose ring the doorbell. I don't know why I'm there but I'm sure that it's punishment for something as I don't want be there, certainly not as I am - my arms wrapped in something at the elbows, my knees tied together, my mouth gagged by a red ballgag wearing inch stripper heels, my hair in a ponytail, wearing a micro-mini plaid skirt and a white push- bra which is hiding none of my breasts.
Someone answers the door and looks down at me in my coat, the only outer layer that I have. He was expecting me and yells everyone that I'm there before taking the coat off , exposing everyone outside and my shame of being seen. Around my neck was a little sign that says, "I'm a bad girl." He laughs and shoves me inside, knocking me down in the process. I'm dragged into the sunken living room and I can see 21 chairs and 20 guys of kinds of races but were athletic and holding a paddle in one hand and their cock in another. I'm taken the middle of the room as the dragging guy explains what's going happen. "First, the punishment. Since we want this last as we have night, we're going get a blowjob and you're going get paddled. You'll work clockwise and each guy will decide if he wants paddle you first or afterwards. First guy, one spank. Second guy, two spanks and so on. If that gets through your dumb cockhole brain of yours," he says with obvious contempt as he removes the ballgag from my mouth, leaving it dangle around my neck like a loose collar. I attempt plead mercy, get out of this, anything but that resulted in getting kicked in the side, knocking the wind out of . "Get started, slut." he said as he got his seat.
After that, it becomes a blur of pain and cum as one by one I crawl my way each of them - sometimes paddling and then shooting their load or sometimes the other way around. I can hear the chanting of each paddle strike my ass. Some of them force my face into their cock until I couldn't breathe before letting me and spraying cum into my face, one didn't even want the blowjob and just shot his load over my breasts and hair. It was almost that I could handle just being conscious but eventually, somehow I got the end. I collapse, covered in sweat and cum and more pain than I had ever felt. I don't remember the bindings being removed, only that I was being lifted off the floor.
The next thing I know, I'm being heaved through the air, landing in a wading tub of mud. "Pigs need their mud bath," the leader said as he proceeded rub my face and wherever else didn't get covered until I was fully covered in the stuff from head toe. Each time I tried to stand, I kept getting pushed back into the muck. Eventually, I was allowed to stand as two of them pulled me to underneath a tree in the backyard. I could barely see through the mud but there was something in front of me as my hands were raised above my head. It was a rope, tightening around my wrists as I was being raised until I could barely touch the ground by my toes, my shoes left behind in the mudpit. I could hear more cheering as I realized that other frat houses could see into the backyard. I was their night entertainment as well, just adding more to my shame.
That's when the first hose in the face with water, causing gasp which only forced a mix of mud and water down my throat. Soon, there was a second and then a third hose into the mix, spraying over like a car wash. "Make sure you get everywhere, who knows what other filth she's got in her," the leader said, pausing the spray long enough toss what little remained of my bra and skirt before resuming. Thorough though they were, I certainly didn't feel clean. I just wanted out of there but that wasn't an option - I could do was endure.
After the cleaning, I was brought back into the living room, massive hands holding my wrists to the small of my back and another around my neck. My eyes widened as there was a large bench with ringlets the sides. I tried get away but that just wasn't going happen as I was pinned the bench, hands and arms draped in the front, legs and ankles draped in the back. It didn't take them long tie them down, the rope digging into the skin. Only once it was done did the bench rise until my feet didn't touch the ground, my head and ass at the proper height. "I guess even an idiot like you knows what's coming next," the leader said as he felt my ass with his thumb.
Sometimes there was just one at a time, sometimes there was two, sometimes it was oeople, it became a one-woman orgy. I'd get slapped be woken when I passed out. One time I'm flipped over onto my back for more variation, adding the ability to spank my breasts which only added to my pain. Eventually, as one by one they get tired of using their fuckpuppet I could hear a vibrator resting just barely inside of me. After it was tied in place, its pace was increased... just not enough to get me all the way. "Good night slut," the leader said as he left the room and turned off the lights as the vibrator was all that could be heard in the room.
That's it.
|
|
|
7
Comments
|
|
