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My Blog

Welcome to my blog!

Sex is supposed to be fun!
Posted:Jul 24, 2022 12:45 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 10:3 am
3625 Views

Last night Master and I went to the club. It had been a couple months, and for the last month I haven't felt very sexy like. I realized that part of that non-sexiness is due to political things right now.

I've never been a "girly girl." I am a tomboy through and through. I don't wear makeup, there are close friends who have never seen me in a dress, etc. When I was younger, most of how I dealt with sexual harassment and such was to either be stronger than the guys or to force guys to realize that I was not "weak." I'm not saying women are weak; I'm just explaining how the glass ceiling idea wasn't a huge issue in my professional world.

Now that I'm retired though, that professional/personal world has kinda of collapsed and I have found myself equating much of the GOP's war on women as a war on sex -- and have retreated back to my defense mechanism of "if somoene is going to use it against me, I'll deny it exists."

anyways, going to the club and watching some other people scene (the takedown scene caddy corner from our scene was HOT!!!) reminded me that sex is supposed to be fun! It doesn't have to be political.
1 comment
Toxicity
Posted:May 18, 2022 10:19 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 10:3 am
3931 Views

In the last month or so, I have been camming. I usually go through stages where I will cam for a couple weeks, and then somebody makes a mean, toxic, bullying comment. In the last 2 days, I have seen an awful lot of these.

Even if someone is submissive, that does not mean a random person can demand things of them.

If you are watching and say something offensive, why the HELL are you watching?? If you need to prop yourself up by bullying someone who is GIVING you a free show, you suck!

If you tell a girl "You're just fuck meat to these idiots," you have now shown your true colors. If you believe this, why are you watching, why are you conversing with someone? What does this say about your own character?

While I am married, my husband is gone for months at a time. I don't always want to go out and meet someone (STDs, personal safety, odd expectations, etc). That does not mean I am a slut (sluts have LOTS of partners, I don't). I am not cuckolding my husband; he often watches, and he is fully aware of what I do online. He also knows that if I do decide to meet someone; he is informed, and he is definitely one of my safety calls. (I also usually have someone who is a lot closer physically to be my primary safety call.)

If you don't understand the reason that women (and others, I don't mean to limit it to women) NEED safety calls and have worries and nerves about meeting people, you should read the news.

I also have met some VERY NICE people. Sometimes I like to talk with these people WITHOUT numnuts coming into a room and demanding they be given everything they demand -- and then be insulting when they don't get it.

in short, no one who turns on their cam owes you anything. If you can't say something nice, shut your mouth. I realize I might be one of the few women here that are not trying to fleece men out of money, etc. I am exactly what you see. But please know that same truth will be presented to you if you are being a jerk.
1 comment
Why I cam
Posted:Apr 12, 2022 11:18 am
Last Updated:May 27, 2022 11:10 am
4095 Views

Lately (the last week), I've been camming more than normal. Firstly, I have to say, people have gotten much nicer and less abusive from the last time I tried camming. I stopped for a long time since people were rude and called me fat and such. If you don't like my body, well, stop watching the video. I am not into being ridiculed.

Ok .. back to topic at hand. Yes, I have found I am an exhibitionist, although maybe not in the same way everyone takes it. I am not "modest" -- mostly because I don't think the human form is something to hide. I am an artist. I try to go to life drawing class at least once a month. To me, it doesn't matter if my model is female, male, etc. I like figuring out how bodies go together and work. I love being able to see muscles move under skin. Sometimes tattoos are awesome, they accent a body, sometimes they get in the way of me seeing what I want. As I often say, either you have the parts I have, or you are attracted to the parts I have, or maybe both.

I also enjoy sex. I really like orgasms. They feel good. I've never understood why people think that you should avoid your own personal playground.

It has taken me a long time to get to that state of body-acceptance/positivity/what not. My parents were very insistent that I should not be comfortable in my body. (This isn't therapy, so just deal with that they were not good parents on this part.) My mom was anorexic, so my relationship with food was odd. However, I'm now to the point, that I want my body to work for me. If I am unhappy about part of it, I work on it -- I've noticed my arms getting a little weak, so I keep a dumbbell by my workspace. I try to remember to do a few sets a couple times a day. I eat mostly what I want -- I try to be healthy, but everyone is going to die of something, I don't want to be miserable.

Camming is nice. I can share my happiness with others. Sometimes they appreciate and say something, sometimes they don't. As long as its not negative, I don't mind most comments. It also lets me have an out for my desires without engaging in unsafe behavior. Meeting people is scary! However I like chatting with people. I know, conundrum!!! Camming also lets me experiment with some ideas while not committing to them in person. I often find out how other people see kink, and I get some great ideas! Sometimes I learn what not to do -- I've also learned that the folding table I keep my keyboard on is NOT stable enough to hold my legs in an orgasm. However, I also didn't get weirded out by going ass over tea kettle while trying to cam and use a vibrator. I did change my space some!

This didn't turn out to be the post that I started writing. However, I'm retired and not longer have to worry about word limits and ordered writing. I don't even have to worry about being "outed." Who would care? There are very few people who would gasp over it, and even fewer that I would care about. One advantage of now longer having parents, there isn't anyone to give you the "I'm disappointed" talk.

So, I guess the tl:dr:
Enjoy yourself. Get off when you can/want to. Take the compliments as much as you can, and realize that everyone is exploring life.
2 Comments
Draft .. need to work on
Posted:Jun 20, 2018 6:44 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 10:3 am
5576 Views

Right at the breastbone center, a tightness
Anxiety born of social construct and expectation
Constant ache of fear for what? nothing of note
Only Bentham's panopticon, society's eye in the sky
Unfathomable judgement echoing from a collective
Is it enough? Am I enough? Do I fit with the world?
Lessons from childhood, you are never enough, you must do more
Your body is wrong, your thoughts are wrong
Deny the brain and focus on the appearance
For only does society judge by what it sees
Never what it knows.

Only talent that is pretty is rewarded
Don't challenge too much
Never upstage, always modest, but don't focus on you
You don't matter, only what you can do, what you can offer
0 Comments
Self Pity
Posted:Jun 3, 2018 6:42 pm
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2018 5:13 pm
5698 Views

Yesterday, I did a life drawing class for the 1st time in forever. It was good, except I'm sitting there, trying to remember anatomy, because I can't actually see the muscles anymore. I know where her fingers have to be due to gross arm placement, but I can't SEE them. I study her face on breaks while we're talking, so that I can remember and then try and rotate my mind's eye to interpret what I'm doing on paper.

I hate admitting I can't do something. Particularly the only thing I've ever showed some talent at, but its sooo damn frustrating. To know that your hand could do it, if you only could see well enough to figure out where that shadow is. And today is a bad day -- I'm trying to look at anatomy pictures and I had to break out the big magnifier. I know I need to learn that some days its just not going to work, but I am so scared that its going to keep getting worse. I don't want to be incapable and dependent, I'd much rather not be.

Ok .. enough wallowing in self pity. Beethoven was deaf, Monet lost his sight. Suck it up buttercup. I can't change it. I can hold that modern science figures out a better solution, but I need to learn grace. I don't need to become a crotchety old bitch, that will make everything worse.
2 Comments
Sadness and Death :(
Posted:Sep 10, 2013 5:25 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2018 7:45 am
56841 Views

Just a quick update that I will not be responding to mail and such. My is going through congestive heart failure, and I am not really in a place to flirt or such.
2 Comments
Grr ... why is it that people think redheads are something?
Posted:Mar 25, 2013 8:36 pm
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2018 5:13 pm
64834 Views

So .. I am minding my own business today and this (ok, young adult) come up and asks "Are you a ginger? My buddy and I have a bet." He also give me what I am sure he thinks is a sexy grin .. but it comes out as a leer.

Now I have to decide what to answer. Yes, I know that I have lots of red highlights, and sunlight makes my hair look a little more fiery than normal, but I don't consider myself a ginger. Plus, I don't want to feed into any stereotyping of redheads .. especially since he is trying to be a little too close for comfort.

I ended up giving him the librarian look (you know, the glare over the tops of the glasses) and asking him where his parents were. He blushed red and scurried off .. but I was left wondering if I fed the stereotype or not.
1 comment
Random verse
Posted:Nov 21, 2012 1:34 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 10:3 am
70745 Views

Overcoming self, like a relentless wave
Each wave digging the sand of reality
Grains flitting from sight.

Cassandra's instinct roils uncertainly
Torches of fate burn brightly
Against the darkness of fate and reality

Bellicose kismet, battling herself
Strange skirmishes in the glass darkly
Grasping at the shadows of self.

Impatient yielding, the beachhead of illusion
Mirrors and reflections, lives past and to come
Each kala, each second, more transitory than the past
0 Comments
Am I ready for this?
Posted:Nov 20, 2012 4:49 am
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2012 7:20 pm
75023 Views

Well, I want and met someone. Eeks! Basically on the spur of the moment, but it was someone that I have talked to for a long time and felt pretty comfortable with -- online at least.

It definitely went farther then first meetings are "supposed" to go, but there was quite a bit of good, and not a lot of bad. Basically I need to decide if I want it to go further. I kinda do, but I also have some concerns -- there is that brain thinking stuff I am so wrapped up in.

The good:
sub space -- oh my. I had totally forgotten what this was like. Totally forgot how crazy it is when my brain totally shuts off and I am soaring on some major adrenaline rush. This really must be like drugs or something. Ok, yes, it is a drug, adrenaline. But I mean it must be like the allure of illegal drug use.

being pinned down -- I do love the feeling of being overpowered. *happy sigh* I also like it when someone is strong enough to hold me. I tend to trash and pull at times. It is an overwhelming thing. When something is right on that edge of hurting but also feeling good, it is hard to want to keep going. Specially when there is definitely some of that pain. I don't know that I am an actual pain slut. There are definitely some bad kinds of pain -- pinchy, sharp stuff -- as opposed to thuddy pain. LOVE the thuddy kind.

feeling pretty content -- yeah, I was. It was very good. I wasn't feeling like I needed to run off, which is always a good thing. I was able to calm down and relax some (and some definitely NOT calm moments, but that was very good as well).

cumming a lot -- do I really need to say more?

no actual sex -- this may seem strange, but I am really really glad he didn't push this line. For one, since I hadn't planned on playing, I hadn't brought up the "rules" for this one. That entire safe sex, condom thing. Hubby and I have a pretty strict rule on that one.

delicious spanking -- *waves heat off face* so good. Never want to admit that in person, but I love that.

the bad:
ouchy! -- my nipples are sore! Way too much biting and pinching. It was some good, but maybe too much? I have very sensitive boobs, and they really felt abused. However, an ice pack helped last night.

marks -- I don't like them; he seems to really enjoy making them. That is somewhat of a limit that my hubby and I have about playing, is definitely no intentional marking. Basically the marks are confined to my breasts, although I think there are a couple light ones on my throat. I particularily don't like marks others can see. Guess I am glad that scarves are popular at the moment since I really hate turtlenecks.

slapping my face -- grr. Never have liked this. at all. was only a couple times, and light, but I definitely need to bring this up.

names -- oh *deep sigh* I never have gotten the talking dirty thing. I don't like certain words, comes from being a writer-type. He didn't use the really offensive one, but is definitely close to the *ugh factor*

the confused:
breath control -- I've never been into this. Actually I have always kind freaked at anyone grabbing my throat. (Goes back to my stupid brother when I was young.) However, it was somewhat good. It was never so much that I was afraid I was going to pass out, although I could see the line being really close.

pictures -- Ever since a REALLY BAD incident with someone who ended up stalking and trying to blackmail me, I have a real aversion to pictures. However, he took like a billion. All with careful assurance of trust and discretion, but I have a little sinking feeling that I may regret it. I hope not, I don't really want to have to go through some of that again. I know it is a total case of "burned once, twice shy" but I worry. Of course worrying is like an Olympic sport for me, so I am not sure how much of this is reality and how much is me fearing since the last time was so painful.

the thing that made me cry "Uncle":
one bad ouchy moment, but it is all me and not being sure to warn about things. I have a pretty good scar on my wrist from a couple surgeries ... there is one little place that just causes intense pain when hit. That one isn't really his fault, it is mine for not mentioning, and it isn't like I don't accidentally hit it every so often. The good part is that he immediately let go, so no real harm done there. Plus, it is hard to be fussy about something that I love -- being pinned down.

the stupid:
Totally forgetting about "subbie high" -- dear me I forgot .. Forgot how amazing it feels, forgot how on top of the world, able to do anything, feeling sexy and amazing and desired. The only bad part about this is after, as I was driving home, I felt so great that I ended up going to a poker game I was invited to. And then the crash .. ugh .. where you just are exhausted and spent. It is kinda hard to play poker through that. However, I ended up with 3rd place, so I must have been doing ok. People did make fun of me for being totally out of it, and for saying some stuff that I normally never say (some jokes, and leaving myself open for some zingers).

Eating -- oh yeah, that thing. That is one of the problems of being off a normal schedule. I realized as I was getting home from poker, that I had nothing to eat all day -- and the 2 beers at poker. Right, that was totally dumb. Plus I haven't gone to the grocery store, so I need to fix that this morning.

the smart:
setting up a "safety call" -- yes, I did do this .. with someone who knows exactly what I am like in sub space and knows how to find and save my ass.

So, all in all, a pretty intense meeting. I know I don't usually write this much, but I needed to get my thinking straight.
1 comment

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