DIETS...
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Posted:May 12, 2012 3:40 am
Last Updated:Oct 1, 2012 3:09 am 41927 Views
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HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: Ive heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and thats it... Dont waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; thats like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cant think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Arent fried foods bad for you?
A: Youre not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, theyre permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. Its the best feel-good food around! !
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! Round is a shape! !
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, WOO HOO, What a Ride!
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MILK IT...
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Posted:May 10, 2012 12:55 pm
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 8:4 am 43148 Views
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When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes just Smile and think of this!
A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with
"Carnation Milk is best of all...."
She said, "I know all about milk and dairy farms ... I can do this!" She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said,
"Carnation LOVED your entry so much. We are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it...."
Here is her entry:
Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no hay to haul.
No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the -of-a-bitch
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MILK IT...
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Posted:May 10, 2012 12:54 pm
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 8:4 am 42616 Views
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When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes just Smile and think of this!
A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with
"Carnation Milk is best of all...."
She said, "I know all about milk and dairy farms ... I can do this!" She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said,
"Carnation LOVED your entry so much. We are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it...."
Here is her entry:
Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no hay to haul.
No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the -of-a-bitch
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SENIOR MANAGEMENT....
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Posted:Apr 26, 2012 5:32 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 8:4 am 40434 Views
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An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
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KILTS....
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Posted:Apr 26, 2012 5:31 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2012 12:55 pm 41180 Views
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Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white."
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POLICE
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Posted:Jun 18, 2011 1:18 am
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2012 1:28 am 43544 Views
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A young woman was pulled over for speeding in Manchester . As the
Manchester Police Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the policemen's Ball.
He replied, 'Manchester police don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and drove off.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
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RUGBY...
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Posted:Jun 17, 2011 7:15 am
Last Updated:Jun 17, 2011 12:40 pm 45404 Views
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Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being
allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before
their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals
of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee
has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:
1.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in
the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how
they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not
fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in
the world.
2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before
smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.
3.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half
performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the
Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their
opponents dressing room.
4.. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition
territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be
forcibly removed by the match stewards.
5.. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more
important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the
posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
6.. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In
future years they will amend the records to show that they were in
fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will
make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.
7.. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold
the rest of the team to ransom.
8.. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass
the female stewards and then run away.
9.. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow
it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass
quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip
until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK
Government will be heard.
10.. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by
offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run
around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before
buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
11.. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence
that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park
lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition
half (much to the delight of the WELSH) and burn the officials.
12.. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating
lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then
invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds
Bush."
13.. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh
suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.
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DONALD DUCK....
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Posted:Jun 17, 2011 1:31 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 8:4 am 43571 Views
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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'
Donald frowned and said, 'No.'
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?
'thuck off!' Donald quacked, 'I'll thuffocate'
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LOVE STORY....
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Posted:Jun 15, 2011 2:23 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 8:4 am 43518 Views
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The love story of Ralph and Edna.
Just because someone doesnt love you the way you want
them to, doesnt mean they dont love you with all
they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental
hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom
and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became
aware of Ednas heroic act she immediately ordered her
to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, Edna, I
have good news and bad news. The good news is youre
being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond
to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person
you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with
his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry,
but hes dead.
Edna replied, He didnt hang himself, I put him
there to dry. How soon can I go home?
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SWEETIES...
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Posted:Jun 14, 2011 5:59 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 8:4 am 43699 Views
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A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are
heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always
end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard
case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough,
as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As
soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him,
breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little
sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they
get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table
and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and
says "I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f***ing menthol"
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