Back,
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Posted:Mar 1, 2024 8:06 am
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2024 1:14 pm 3625 Views
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I am back at my own place.
I must say, i am very happy to be in my own home.
It is great to be with my sister, and ofcourse, i adjust to her daily pattern,
And her daily living routine is much much more slow
then i am used to.
So, i am tired, to have been adjusted to her daily routine....
Some days, we did not get started after noon!
That is totally not possible in my day to day routine!
Only when i am really, really very ill.....
She is only 4 years older... but has a totall different, much more slow life rhythm.
She told me, she does not want to have to hurry anymore...
Her heart is going way too fast when she hurries...
Does not matter, that is her way.
and that is good, for her. 
Well, anyway, she is doing much better now.....
The first sense of shock is over, now....
Mourning is not something with an experation date...
It can take up to 8 years, she told me, i hope for her, that she learns to deal with this loss, and find her own way, in dealing with this...
Next month she will be coming my way...
The weather in Holland is getting abit more better, temps are almost as "high", as 8 degrees!  
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15
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Sunday morning
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Posted:Feb 24, 2024 10:58 pm
Last Updated:Feb 25, 2024 10:22 pm 5414 Views
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Still in the bed...
I am not "allowed" to go downstairs,
Until my sister comes and gets me....
Total madness,
But i am fine with that.
Dont mind at all.
She has to clean out soooo much mess!!
Every corner in the house is full of "stuff"- he NEEDED to HAVE!
and more and more...
3 dinner tabes.
And what about all his cothes!!
Too talk about total madness!
It is a mental decease, you know?
There is even a very fancy word for it.
Onio manie.
The uncontrolable need to buy,
To try to fill that void,
Inside you.
One other aspect of this mental disorder is,
To isolate yourself, from others,
But also other members of your family.
Out of fear, to be found out....
And that is what he did, too
Try to isolate my sister, from having a normal social life.
Contact with her family, friends, be a member of the social life, in this little village.
Fff criminal behaviour,
HE, could have choosen, to go and find help,
With this "problem"....
It overtook every part of their living,
And that of their , too
there was never any money, for out of school activities,
Because he NEEDED to spend it all.
No summer camp, no sportsclubs, for their daughters..
He could have choosen help/ therapy....?
bully, creating fear, manipulate is what he choose....
You do understand, why i never liked him?
Burn in hell, is what he should, for what he did to my sister and her daughters...
On the other hand...
She could have demanded divorce,
Because of him being not capable mentally, to have a family etc?!
Always both sides.... to any story..
Still, there is this ONE thing,
And that is; having, always having your OWN responsibility.
No matter what!
Anyway,
my sister is healing from this mental ...A ^- b^- use... every day, bit by bit...
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6
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Middle of the night, sort of....
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Posted:Feb 24, 2024 2:12 pm
Last Updated:Apr 20, 2024 12:22 am 5468 Views
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Still at my sisters house.
We are doing alright,
We laugh a lot!!
She cries, sometimes too.
We talk, go out on the bikes, take a walk
Do things together.
Both her daughters come to visit her, and help her with all the paperwork..
I stay for a while longer. .
She is doing alright....
It goes up and down...
Mourning is never easy...
Althought she admits he was, to say the least, mental unstable...
And... the rest of the story is not yet told...
No need, for that.
Not for me,
Maybe for her?
I have seen him, for what he was, all along... .
A bad childhood is NEVER an excuse for bad behaviour.
Not a justfication, either!!
You STILL have your own responsibility.
If a bad childhood could be used for bad behaviour..
I should have become a serial killer!
No excuse!!
Only your own responsibility.
If you use your bad childhood, to bully, manipulate every one around you,
You were already mentally a danger for others...
My thoughts...
Typing by night,on my phone,in the dark,
Is a disaster....
Stay cool! 💋🙏❤
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5
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One more, before i go, :-))
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Posted:Feb 20, 2024 7:13 am
Last Updated:Mar 3, 2024 12:06 pm 6206 Views
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I was doing some last minute shopping,
This guy in front of me, in the line, did not have enough money for this last beer, he wanted to buy.
the supermarkets have a new computer system, so the lady behind the counter did not know how to get this one beer of his list....
She got real nervous and he was not a Dutch guy, so he had no idea what was going on...
I was waiting, and waiting and watching if this lady could get it rigth.
That did not work, everybody nervous, so i asked her; what does this one beer cost?
She told me, i gave her to money, he could collect his beer and the customers could continue what ever important tasks they had in life.
That guy gave me a real big smile and walked out, now the cassiere had an other problem, because she had to give me spare change, from 0,29 cent.....
Sighs...
Right, she called an other staff member and that woman knew how to give me my spare change..... 0,05 cent.....
MyOhmY Onnaisse..
Dont make things more complicated as the already are!?
All that hassle about 0,05 eurocents....
Now it is proven, this new computer system is not working real good, it is a one way system, you cant get things back,or of, from you reciept...
Skoll! prosit. and so on!
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13
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I wont be here, for a while,
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Posted:Feb 19, 2024 12:22 pm
Last Updated:Feb 24, 2024 1:54 pm 6505 Views
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Nothing serious,
Just caring for my sister,
See how she is coping, now, being a single person, again...
After 50 years..
See if i can get her to clean out some of the mess....
Let the energy flow again...
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19
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Saterday,
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Posted:Feb 17, 2024 12:52 am
Last Updated:Feb 19, 2024 12:18 pm 6969 Views
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The plan was, to help a neighbour with her garden, very early on.
The guy who should be there too, was late, already.
So, i worked on my own, in her very small front garden,
i call it a poststamp garden, 2 squar meters or something like that.
I took out of her garden, what i liked and still that guy was not there....
( i cant stand that, you can learn how to plan activities, cant you?)
Alright, when your cat dies, your mother at the same time and your roof is on fire?
Yeah, than is the time to call and tell, i cant make it today... hahhaha
So, now my day is in a disorder, because of this guy, who cant plan.....
I have the herbs she told me, i could get out of her garden, that is great!
The sun is trying to get out there, so that is nice too.
Great beginning of my saterday.
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16
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The bedroom only 'dominants',
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Posted:Feb 13, 2024 9:33 am
Last Updated:Feb 19, 2024 12:08 pm 8357 Views
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They have their own very specific ammo.
Most of them,
compliment you, to kingdom comes,
You are soo great, and you are exactly what they have been searching for,
Your profile is the best they ever read, but the thing is,
they really did not read it, or for sure, did not understand one word about it.
Because, most are not paying members....
Because their starting point is sex, kinky sex.
Just for the fun of it.
Or play act, their latest porn movie...
jadajadajada....
Who wants someone, who always agrees with everything you say, write?
How docile... how boring.
But, héy, they say about anything, if they think, that will get them, into your knickers.
Because that is their only goal.
They mimicri everything you say, about D/s....
ALthough they really have no idea, what that all entails.
To them, it is a game, a playing game
see how fast they can get you on your back, so to say...
Oh, one other aspect of their behaviour:
They want to go onto private mail, almost the instant they messaged you.
Dont give a hoot, about your safety.
Are in a very big hurry.
Dont ask questions.
And dont ever answer any qeustion you ask.
So, their socalled interest in you, is totally fake, empty.
only sexual, and only as long as you dont show any brain activity.
Not question their "knowledge" , or even worst, their "experience"....,
In whát, exactly?
It is all very vague.
Oh, and the final revalation, of their TRUE dominance, is that they lose their temper, as soon as you "talk back", as they call it...
They become real nasty pieces of shite.
The names they call you, when you dont fall for their shite.
is really very "true dominance" behaviour!!
WHAHAHAHAHAH!
Pathetic little weasels, vanilla men, without any cleu how to treat women and how to treat submissive women....
No respect, no understanding of the core of a submissive woman, and frankly dont give a F about you.
And, although they SAY, they are interested in you, they never come up, with any qeustion, that shows their socalled interest...
They never start a real conversation, show real interest in you, as a person with a life and maybe a job or elderly parents, family members to take care of, or what ever is going on, in your life.
Strange, dont you think?
I believe, that actually, they have just two qeustions for you,
What makes you horny and what turns you on.
Wich is actually one and the same qeustion.
Or, they demand! nude pictures, or they demand!, you go on webcam with them, because of all the scammers, you know?
Yeah, right.
Who is scamming who, here?
As if i am willing to talk about that with a totall stranger?
NON of your bisniss.
The rudeness of such a approach, is really unbelievable...
bedroom play doms.
Sure, there will be one or three maybe, who have manners,
who know how to behave, but
and that is a real big BUT,
sooner then later, they will show you, their true colours.
Getting rude, throw insults around, about you not being a true submissive, and you being fake, and even being a domina!!
They really think, they can insult me, with thát?
whahaha, it only shows their true colour.
block, delete and dont loose sleep over those suckers!
If you met one of those, you will recognise their ammo, in a sec.
They are sooo terrible predictable, and soo terrible tiresome.....
There is absolutely no intelligent challenge with those.....
On the contrary, they are an insult to my intelligence.
My, Oh, My~onnaise! 
There are probably more traits, in wich they show their true colour,
but for now, this is it.
I just had to vent this!
After just one other like that, coming in my inbox.
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14
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servitude, submissive
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Posted:Feb 13, 2024 4:07 am
Last Updated:Feb 17, 2024 10:39 pm 8811 Views
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Are to me, two things that goes together.
I can not become someone submissive, without, also becoming servitude to his wishes, wants and needs.
And i dont mean, the sexual servitude, while play acting, role playing, what ever..
I am talking relationstyle, servitude, surrender kind of servitude.....
Being submissive, is something inside mé.
It has nothing to dó, with what ever kind of physical actions, the two people might get ingaged in.... later on.
It is a mental aspect, that first need to be fullfilled.
For that, i need to know him inside and out, who he is, as a person.
His dick?? who is interested in thát!
That wil become interesting, much later on.
I assume he has one, and that it is in working order
healthy too.
It is wanting to know, his mind, how he thinks the way he thinks
what made him, the person he become, became
his growth, his self knowledge, his wisdom and his stupidity too
ALL of him
Not only his sexual appetite, that is soo easy for me, and also sooo terrible empty.
THÁT, has nothing to do with me, BEING submissive
Not play act the role, untill the climax from both.. or something like that....
Being submissive has nothing to do, with any kind of sexual appetite, preferences, and or fetishes.
It is me wanting to become HIS submissive, in real, day to day life.
In all aspects that are known in such a dynamic, relationship
Not only has a dominant/ Master responsibilities, a submissive, or slave,
has them, too.
Being totally open about all and everything, not holding anything back
is key, for such a dynamic
This counts for the D type to, by the way.
For that, to be able to archieve thát, both have to work hard and long, to become so close with each other.
You really have to WANT that.
It takes guts, commitment, to want that and to want to work on that
You have to go deep, deep in your submission, deep in your surrender
deep in your trust.
I can only write from my own perspective.
How this works in a Dominant, Master~s mind, i can geuss but that has no value,
only talking with him will.... exploring each other, as two people, first.
The only bedroom dominants really dont have anything to offer me.
To me, they talk about kinky fuckery, there is no power exchange, at all.
It is a appointment between two people, for the duration of the game,
he assumes the "dominant" role, and dont you dare to act differently, then what he expects of you, or you will throw him out of his "role"in sec.
Very dangerous, also, because, most of those socalled bedroom dominants, do have an anger management problem... self controle problem.
Or, get bored very easily, and dump you, for the next hottest "thing"chick..
There is no commitment in such a contact, it is just kinky fuckery.
Sure, this is an exaggaration.
there is truths in exaggarations, too. 
The servitude i talk about goes far deeper, is about all things, they both agree to find important in their dynamic.
It can be about anything he finds important, so she learns how he wants that,
because she committed herself to him and his rules, overall rules.
Not the bedroom "fun".
Being of servitude, being submissive and also being masochistic, means, most of the time i am not that much interested in only the sexual/sensual part.
Masochism is something totally else, then just smack her on her behind, twist a nipple, when you feel like it.
Needing the deep physical sensations, to get off, in more ways then just, only the physical...
Some will calll that, impact play...
Is what physical masochism is, to me.
I am not at all interested in being degraded an humiliated
Thát, too, is something, those bedroom doms, most of the time,
REALLY, REALLY love to do....
There is no love in that, there is no understanding of that special need in that person.
They, most of the time. dont even understand that you have to build that person, up again, after some heavy degradation/humiliation sessions.
There is no love and understanding.
It is a sex game, play act.
it is all about that socalled dominant.
My experiences with that category...
just some thoughts, about how i experience, see, feel what being submissive is all about.
For me.
Your truth can be very well, something totally different.
After getting to know, each other as people, become friends, wanting to spend time with each other, wanting to be in each others life, you can go deeper into the D/s or the SM part, finding out, if you are compatible there, too.
Also, you grow, together, there might be aspects that scares the submissive
To a dominant, that is no problem.
he does not have to keep score.
He wants her submission, and they will grow, together...
and learn from each other.
And, just maybe, that one thing, he wants, or needs, very much,
does not become so important to him, anymore
because there are soo many other ways that she is giving herself to him.
It is not about keeping score.
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11
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foldable saw,
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Posted:Feb 12, 2024 10:09 am
Last Updated:Feb 13, 2024 8:41 pm 8292 Views
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I am reading this book.
It is about a woman who is walking some trail,
The Pacific Crest Trail....
I really have no idea, what that is all about, except for what she is telling about.
Anyway, she does not have any practice in a long trail walking,
does not have any condition or training before she even started this..
She takes all kind of stuff with her, in her backpack.
One thing is a foldable saw.
I find that soo funny, she does not need it, anyway
but she wants to keep it.
Her backpack is way too heavy, because she also does not have any practice with how to pack a backpack and what to bring, with her.
She forgets to take with her, a walking stick.
to help her in climbing those hills.
For keeping her balance, too
I am ofcourse, also collecting all kind of stuff to take with me, to France, Spain, Portugal.
Tools too, so i have ordered a foldable saw!
It is so much fun, reading about her trail and trial...
Because that is what it is.
Her mother died of cancer, her marriage went down the drain,
so she feels lost....
and is very destructive in her way of finding herself again.
I am not destructive, i just want to go, where the sun shines, 330 days a year.
Because of me having this S.A.D.
Wich is mentally killing me, every year again, sooo tired, so down...
sighs....
Ofcourse, there will be other obstacles on my way
I am aware of that.
I will face them, when i get there.
she also does not have any practice in climbing hills,
i find it really funny, how she struggles and always find her way and herself back.
I dont go to the hills, mountains in France, i go by the coast....
I dont have a certain time, to be back.
i can go and stay where ever i want..of where ever i feel like...
finding work, finding places to stay and relax,
There are a lot of opportunities, find work as a housesitter, small animal sitter,
or farmhand, or construction work,
joining such organisations and find places to stay.
My only goal is to go south, as fast as possible, on a city bike.
With my foldable saw, knifes and machete too. 
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14
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Being a surviver,
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Posted:Feb 12, 2024 3:53 am
Last Updated:Feb 13, 2024 3:19 am 7789 Views
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Being a figther,
what does that mean, in daily living.
It means, when i am walking the street, or on my bike, to go to a shop or friends, or what ever,
i am always checking my surroundings, allways, left, right, back, centre.
It come natural for me.
That way, i can 'see' trouble coming my way even before they know it.
Há
Once, i was walking to the centre of this place, it was nice weather.
I did this scanning thing, and i saw a group of 4 guys walking my way,
they were taking the whole sidewalk in, no place for anyone else
Just trying to provocate someone, to challenge them...
So, way before they see me, and target mé, i already saw their strategy.
I dont get off the sidewalk, for just about anyone,
(unless it is an elderly person)
so i just walk on, target "the leader"with my look and walk on....
They made room for me, way before they were even near me.
Thát is all.
It is semi conscious, that i do this.
I dont provocate anyone, i rather walk away from conflicts.
i dont fight fair.
And now that i have become somehow ? almost an "elderly"  amp; woman,
Those folks dont bother me, anymore, leave me alone.
You must know, when to avoid or to go full force in.
The good things from an extremely bad upbrining!
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11
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