servitude, submissive
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Posted:Feb 13, 2024 4:07 am
Last Updated:Feb 17, 2024 10:39 pm 8974 Views
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Are to me, two things that goes together.
I can not become someone submissive, without, also becoming servitude to his wishes, wants and needs.
And i dont mean, the sexual servitude, while play acting, role playing, what ever..
I am talking relationstyle, servitude, surrender kind of servitude.....
Being submissive, is something inside mé.
It has nothing to dó, with what ever kind of physical actions, the two people might get ingaged in.... later on.
It is a mental aspect, that first need to be fullfilled.
For that, i need to know him inside and out, who he is, as a person.
His dick?? who is interested in thát!
That wil become interesting, much later on.
I assume he has one, and that it is in working order
healthy too.
It is wanting to know, his mind, how he thinks the way he thinks
what made him, the person he become, became
his growth, his self knowledge, his wisdom and his stupidity too
ALL of him
Not only his sexual appetite, that is soo easy for me, and also sooo terrible empty.
THÁT, has nothing to do with me, BEING submissive
Not play act the role, untill the climax from both.. or something like that....
Being submissive has nothing to do, with any kind of sexual appetite, preferences, and or fetishes.
It is me wanting to become HIS submissive, in real, day to day life.
In all aspects that are known in such a dynamic, relationship
Not only has a dominant/ Master responsibilities, a submissive, or slave,
has them, too.
Being totally open about all and everything, not holding anything back
is key, for such a dynamic
This counts for the D type to, by the way.
For that, to be able to archieve thát, both have to work hard and long, to become so close with each other.
You really have to WANT that.
It takes guts, commitment, to want that and to want to work on that
You have to go deep, deep in your submission, deep in your surrender
deep in your trust.
I can only write from my own perspective.
How this works in a Dominant, Master~s mind, i can geuss but that has no value,
only talking with him will.... exploring each other, as two people, first.
The only bedroom dominants really dont have anything to offer me.
To me, they talk about kinky fuckery, there is no power exchange, at all.
It is a appointment between two people, for the duration of the game,
he assumes the "dominant" role, and dont you dare to act differently, then what he expects of you, or you will throw him out of his "role"in sec.
Very dangerous, also, because, most of those socalled bedroom dominants, do have an anger management problem... self controle problem.
Or, get bored very easily, and dump you, for the next hottest "thing"chick..
There is no commitment in such a contact, it is just kinky fuckery.
Sure, this is an exaggaration.
there is truths in exaggarations, too. 
The servitude i talk about goes far deeper, is about all things, they both agree to find important in their dynamic.
It can be about anything he finds important, so she learns how he wants that,
because she committed herself to him and his rules, overall rules.
Not the bedroom "fun".
Being of servitude, being submissive and also being masochistic, means, most of the time i am not that much interested in only the sexual/sensual part.
Masochism is something totally else, then just smack her on her behind, twist a nipple, when you feel like it.
Needing the deep physical sensations, to get off, in more ways then just, only the physical...
Some will calll that, impact play...
Is what physical masochism is, to me.
I am not at all interested in being degraded an humiliated
Thát, too, is something, those bedroom doms, most of the time,
REALLY, REALLY love to do....
There is no love in that, there is no understanding of that special need in that person.
They, most of the time. dont even understand that you have to build that person, up again, after some heavy degradation/humiliation sessions.
There is no love and understanding.
It is a sex game, play act.
it is all about that socalled dominant.
My experiences with that category...
just some thoughts, about how i experience, see, feel what being submissive is all about.
For me.
Your truth can be very well, something totally different.
After getting to know, each other as people, become friends, wanting to spend time with each other, wanting to be in each others life, you can go deeper into the D/s or the SM part, finding out, if you are compatible there, too.
Also, you grow, together, there might be aspects that scares the submissive
To a dominant, that is no problem.
he does not have to keep score.
He wants her submission, and they will grow, together...
and learn from each other.
And, just maybe, that one thing, he wants, or needs, very much,
does not become so important to him, anymore
because there are soo many other ways that she is giving herself to him.
It is not about keeping score.
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11
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foldable saw,
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Posted:Feb 12, 2024 10:09 am
Last Updated:Feb 13, 2024 8:41 pm 8441 Views
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I am reading this book.
It is about a woman who is walking some trail,
The Pacific Crest Trail....
I really have no idea, what that is all about, except for what she is telling about.
Anyway, she does not have any practice in a long trail walking,
does not have any condition or training before she even started this..
She takes all kind of stuff with her, in her backpack.
One thing is a foldable saw.
I find that soo funny, she does not need it, anyway
but she wants to keep it.
Her backpack is way too heavy, because she also does not have any practice with how to pack a backpack and what to bring, with her.
She forgets to take with her, a walking stick.
to help her in climbing those hills.
For keeping her balance, too
I am ofcourse, also collecting all kind of stuff to take with me, to France, Spain, Portugal.
Tools too, so i have ordered a foldable saw!
It is so much fun, reading about her trail and trial...
Because that is what it is.
Her mother died of cancer, her marriage went down the drain,
so she feels lost....
and is very destructive in her way of finding herself again.
I am not destructive, i just want to go, where the sun shines, 330 days a year.
Because of me having this S.A.D.
Wich is mentally killing me, every year again, sooo tired, so down...
sighs....
Ofcourse, there will be other obstacles on my way
I am aware of that.
I will face them, when i get there.
she also does not have any practice in climbing hills,
i find it really funny, how she struggles and always find her way and herself back.
I dont go to the hills, mountains in France, i go by the coast....
I dont have a certain time, to be back.
i can go and stay where ever i want..of where ever i feel like...
finding work, finding places to stay and relax,
There are a lot of opportunities, find work as a housesitter, small animal sitter,
or farmhand, or construction work,
joining such organisations and find places to stay.
My only goal is to go south, as fast as possible, on a city bike.
With my foldable saw, knifes and machete too. 
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13
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Being a surviver,
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Posted:Feb 12, 2024 3:53 am
Last Updated:Feb 13, 2024 3:19 am 7911 Views
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Being a figther,
what does that mean, in daily living.
It means, when i am walking the street, or on my bike, to go to a shop or friends, or what ever,
i am always checking my surroundings, allways, left, right, back, centre.
It come natural for me.
That way, i can 'see' trouble coming my way even before they know it.
Há
Once, i was walking to the centre of this place, it was nice weather.
I did this scanning thing, and i saw a group of 4 guys walking my way,
they were taking the whole sidewalk in, no place for anyone else
Just trying to provocate someone, to challenge them...
So, way before they see me, and target mé, i already saw their strategy.
I dont get off the sidewalk, for just about anyone,
(unless it is an elderly person)
so i just walk on, target "the leader"with my look and walk on....
They made room for me, way before they were even near me.
Thát is all.
It is semi conscious, that i do this.
I dont provocate anyone, i rather walk away from conflicts.
i dont fight fair.
And now that i have become somehow ?  almost an "elderly"  amp; woman,
Those folks dont bother me, anymore, leave me alone.
You must know, when to avoid or to go full force in.
The good things from an extremely bad upbrining!
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11
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Once, Pack mentality,
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Posted:Feb 11, 2024 6:34 am
Last Updated:Feb 12, 2024 3:23 am 7867 Views
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I lived in a very rough neighbourhood....
My neighbour was a very polite, very decent young woman.
She did not even know, how to curse.... or get angry....
Allways soft spoken and friendly, to all our neighbours.
( that was not smart, because the junk neighbours allways target her, for a break in)
There where two , around, their mother "worked" at night... cough
so, those run around on the street,
always making havoc.
trying to steal and break things.
So, one day, they came in to my garden, i did not really had a fence..
You could just step over it, so low..... laughs....
So, they start eating out of my garden.
I see them, come outside and they run.
so i wait, untill they came back, wich they did.
I told them, i dont mind if you eat out of my garden.
That is alright, there is enough, but if you break something, i am going to break you!
DO you understand!
They recognised the language from home, so they did.
After that, they were the best of friends with me, and i always told them,
my strawberries are ripe, you can come and eat them.
My very nice, very civilised next neighbour, was not able to talk in their language and they targetted her time and time again.
She stood there, in her garden, crying,
Those boys laughed at her.
Untill i told them, i would kick them, to death, if they ever tried to pester her, again.
That was the language they understood,
respected even, how sad it may sound.
I also tried to tell that neighbour, she needed to get a bit more rough, if she wanted to survive in this neighbourhood.
Make her bounderies known, to those ...
she was not able to learn... alas...
You have to learn, or act that way, as if you know their language, and speak it!
And mean it!!
it is a pack mentallity.
they will break you down and laugh while doing so...
Meet them, on their level.
That is how you survive, when confronted with such a pack mentallity.
If you act like the alpha, they respect you.
It is all soo very primitive.
even when it is play acting, for you.
I was never really angry with those boys, i recognised, they did not get any decent upbringing, you could not blame them....
In winter time, they walked the streets bare foot... no shoes....
So, what can i say...?
It was a rough neighbourhood.
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16
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Yesterday,
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Posted:Feb 8, 2024 2:17 am
Last Updated:Feb 10, 2024 11:03 pm 7351 Views
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Was a great day, there was some sunshine.
I decided to go to my little village and buy some real great chocolate.
and visit the mill again, to buy some more honey.
It was a lovely bike ride, the sun came out, she even gave off some warmth...
I was happy, later on, on the bike ride back, i did decided to sit somewere in the forest.
and eat some, while bathing in the sun.
it was great!!
The mill was closed, there was a little shop, nearby, who also sold the real good honey,
so i bought the honey there.
The litte farm did not have my favorite choco, but a different kind, that was good, too.
Today, it is freezing cold, sighs......
There we go again, three layers of any kind of clothing, covering every part of my face and body, again, and so on and so on....
They, the weathermen and women, 'promised' us, we will get some snow, too!
Gosh!!
 
Yeah, i know, it is technically speaking, still winter.... 
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15
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My sister and i,
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Posted:Feb 2, 2024 1:26 am
Last Updated:Feb 8, 2024 2:06 am 8759 Views
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We do look like twin sisters.
We laugh the same way.
same kind of wild curly hair,
eye colour.
We are also very, very different in other ways, ofcourse.....
When *he* finally died, she called me, and asked me if i could come,
Ofcourse i could, told my work, i have to be with my sister, i already told them, there will be a funeral or something like that, in the near future...
She told me, he is still in the house, in his couffin...
Shudders
I really, truly hope to never ever have to witness thát again!
Untill his last moments, and even in his death, he demanded his way....
It is a very small house, there is no spare room, you can to go,
him lying there in the livingroom..
Being very much present.
Even in his death, not ever considering his wife, and her feelings,
how she has to cope with this....
It says it all!
My sister and i, we did have some conversation about their marriage and his behaviour,
but it being all too fresh, so to say.....
was most of the time, too much, for my sister.
she was just in shock! for days, walking around like a zombi.....
That talk came later on.
we also did laugh a lot,
cooked together, did some shopping, taking a walk, to just be outside.
going on the bikes,
To get out of that house....
She came with some revalations, wich i only could confirm..
Again and again.
That made it easier, i think, for my sister to really see in what kind of a shape their "marriage" really was....
Wich made it easier, again, for her, to make disicions, change things, throw things out, and so on...
I dont sugar coat, i say things as i see them, or i dont say anything at all
I practised that last part very much, during my stay at my sisters place...
I saw her struggle with the new reality, trying to find her ground, in all this.
I also dont like hypocrisy......
I had a hard time, at the cremation ceremony .........
Knowing, me saying things, would not help her, at that moment in her shock.
She has to do things her way.
My way works best for me, not for her, at all.
And sometimes my way, works best, when i want to shock people out of their comfort zone.
I enjoy doing that... 
Sometimes, that helps people open their view, mindseye.. sometimes, not so.....
Aah, well, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose
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18
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The funeral, actually, the cremation is over now,
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Posted:Jan 31, 2024 11:26 am
Last Updated:Feb 8, 2024 11:38 am 8248 Views
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I am back at my own place and soo terrible tired,
emotional overload and all that.....
so i wont be writing much, for now.....
All is well, as well can be, see the cirmunstances....
For my sister.....
And me.....
take care, keep warm and try to be happy... content.....
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24
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This week,
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Posted:Jan 21, 2024 8:47 am
Last Updated:Jan 21, 2024 12:47 pm 9212 Views
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The weather was somewhat better, so i decided to go to my workplace again.
There was snowy ice everywhere, so i walked some parts of the route.
nowwhere in sight, was anything remote looking like snow plowers, to get the bike paths clean!
NO where to be found!!
That pissess me off!
The car routes where all very clean, but the bike route?
Not so much, at all!
It was nice to be back at work
The Christmas trees needed to be domolished!
And put away.
So, that was what i did.
Talked to this one guy, he told me storys!!
My Oh My!
Some people did not get any change in life, just because their "parents" ......
well, anyway, most men there have the mental capacity of a three year old....
The cause and effect of their behaviour is not something that they know about....
or know how to deal with it...
responsibility, compassion?
One flew over the cuckoos nest, i assume you all know that movie?
I am telling you... that is what it is there, and then the lite version...
The staff is, so far, very good in calculation, who is capable, to deal with the kind of randomity that is around that place.
My friend Ronald was not there, has been sick, all week...
Being sick, in there, can mean all kind of things, booz or drugs related ...
Talked some with this one staff member, he explained some of the work schedules and some of the cleints/patients, there...
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5
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You would think, i am going to travel world wide?
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Posted:Jan 21, 2024 8:20 am
Last Updated:Jan 22, 2024 1:33 am 8292 Views
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My brother in law is gone walk about, or, if you believe in it,
gone to heaven.
This week is the cremation, my sister asked me if i would come to her place, for some days.
Ofcourse i will.
I am already planning the bus route....,
You would think i am going to travel the world, but it is only in the backlands!
Of Holland!!
Whahaha.
My god!!
Going to see all those littlle villages again, the bus will stop at almost every tree in sight!
Whahahahha
Anyway, that part is covered.
Going to stay a few days, see how my sister is doing, holding on.....
The one thing, that bothers me, is, i cant ask friends to feed my stray cat, because they have to come into my house and maybe go roaming around,
seeing things, that are no good, for them.....
Because, well, they are nosy, ... want to know....
Because they cant figure me out.....
But, if they find out!?
They then get mad at me, for their nosyness....
( happened before)
being shocked about the bdsm particles they might find ( out) about....?
Sm art on the bedroom wall, and things like that.. whips hanging around....?!
Sighs...
So, finger crossed, the cat will survive and comes back, when i am back.....
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14
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It wont take months, my sister said....
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Posted:Jan 15, 2024 2:40 pm
Last Updated:Jan 21, 2024 7:58 am 9233 Views
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Her husband is home.
In the hospital they finally decided, they cant get any money out of treatment any more,
so, they send him home, he also said, i want to die in my own house.
The thing is, they live in a very, very small elderly house.
There is no extra spare bedroom.
they have a small attic, but the care person is staying there, sleeping there too, 24/7.
There is no extra room, so my sister cant recharge herself,
She is constantly, 24/7 in the midst of his ailments, he coughing, his.... every part of him being sick and dying...
She cant take a pauze, or break, it are not nice weathers, so she also cant go outside for a walk or something.
Her whole house and household has been taken over by the care for her husband..
And i do understand that she wants to do this last bit for him,
i do....
I only see that she is not nearly keeping this all together, for herself...
Her daughters are around, the whole day too, coming and going,
Have to take care for their and husbands too...
I stay away, it is too much already, for my sister.
If they dont take care of her, this could be killing her, too.....
He has cancer everywhere.
breathing does not go well, pain everywhere.....
he is well taken care of...
When people come in that last phase, their skin gets a totall other colour, and they are smelling different, too...
I think he is already in that phase.......
I dont dare to ask this, because, well, they maybe think, iam rude to talk about it, in that manner...
But, to me, that are just the facts.
You cant sugarcoat the last phase anymore
it is what it is!
Maybe, if i asked this one , that she will understand....
It also a way , to prepare them, for what is coming...
Aah, maybe i should just shut my big mouth and let it all happen...?
i dont know...?
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31
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