It's been a long time...
|
Posted:May 2, 2011 3:25 pm
Last Updated:May 22, 2011 3:19 pm 10999 Views
|
I haven't posted anything here in a very long time. Truth be told, I've had a string of bad relationships with worse men and it has taken me some time to recover and come back to make another attempt.
I really didn't know how rampant emotional and mental abuse was in the lifestyle until I experienced it in full force from every single man I've dealt with in the last year and a half.
It's amazing how easily we believe that we're broken, unworthy, unattractive, unintelligent, unwanted. How we should be grateful for their attention. How only they will bother with someone like me. Aren't I lucky?
Turns out that I am not lucky. I am also not broken. I'm more than worthy of a man's attention. I'm attractive and intelligent. A smart man would want me. How grateful he should be that I know my worth and expect the same respect I show. How nice that I have a brain and use it to serve you well and better myself.
How often have I heard "I'm submissive but I'm not a doormat". I have never acted like a doormat. But I have acted as if the lies I was being fed were true. I thought I was smarter than that. But I wasn't. Am I now? I don't know.
Time will tell if I've learned the lessons or if I'm destined to repeat them.
For now, I should be grateful I got out with my mind intact and took the time to recover. Now, I can hope to find a healthy relationship...
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
The balls!
|
Posted:Dec 3, 2009 2:45 pm
Last Updated:May 2, 2011 3:14 pm 10099 Views
|
This is an email I received today. It was titled FYI.
"I understand you desires, what you are looking for is not here. We all have our wants and needs, you do not appear to be a sub in anyway. Adult FriendFinder would be a great place for you. I do wish you the best and mean no ill feelings. If a rock means more then a relationship and commitment then this is not the place. I wish you the best in your search."
The nerve of someone telling me what I am and where I should go! I am furious! Just because I'm not YOUR kind of sub doesn't make me submissive. Having a brain in my head, being articulate and using wit and sarcasm to fend off the constant array of douche bags online does not make me less of a sub. On the contrary. It makes me a smart sub, and a Dom who knows his ass from a hole in the ground would know the difference.
The "rock" he's referring to references a JOKE in my profile. Clearly he left his sense of humor in his mother's womb.
I am so pissed at this man. How dare you judge me!!
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
My first negative post...
|
Posted:Dec 2, 2009 3:57 pm
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2010 5:51 pm 9850 Views
|
OMG! Could the men on here BE more unoriginal? Seriously. If one more person IM's me with "bow down slut" or "cum here " i'm going to choke them with the force.
Are you KIDDING me with that shit? For the love of christ. The problem with the internet is that it gives people pseudo-balls. Things you would NEVER say to a person the first time you meet them seem perfectly acceptable sitting in your mom's basement eating cheetos and typing away to me? Wrong.
Have some class ffs.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Coming Out
|
Posted:Oct 30, 2009 10:12 am
Last Updated:Nov 1, 2009 4:15 pm 9980 Views
|
I've been seeing and hearing a lot of talk lately about "coming out" about being in BDSM. I'm new to being involved in a group, but not to knowing that I like things that aren't vanilla, so I had never given this much thought.
I did have an initial panic attack when I learned there was a member of the group I joined that worked for the same company as I did. For obvious reasons, I prefer not to mix any part of my naked private life with the people I work with or for. Turned out not to be an issue at all. He and his wife are great people and in the same situation I am, so I worried for nothing.
I read about people not telling their families for fear of being misunderstood or others not approving. Upon reading several accounts of it, I decided to tell my mother. The conversation did not involve "here's what I like having done to me mom" but I did tell her that I was interested in BDSM and I was joining a group with other people in the lifestyle and was having a great time. I tell her about new things, to a point, never discussing my sex life or the sex life of others, but more along the lines of things that were new to me and interesting. She listens and asks questions and laughs at me a lot. She even picked out my halloween costume for the group party. The men were pleased with her.
Most, but not all of my friends are vanilla, as far as I know. I don't talk about sex with my friends, really. On occasion, if something awesome happened or something so awful it was funny, but otherwise, I don't discuss it. I know some are not vanilla from having been shopping with them or to toy parties with them, but again, I don't ask and I don't tell.
I did decide to test the friend theory on my Best Friend last night. Side Note: my BFF for the last 10 years is a man who wasn't even 20 when I met him. Now he's 28, adorable and hopefully, if he qualifies next month, an Olympic athlete. He's awesome, has a great sense of humor and an open mind.
So when he called me last night, I was like, "hey guess what" and I launched into details I'd only give my BFF. He was totally cool, asked questions and even told me he wants to come to a party with me the next time he's in town. He's like, "i'll take some clothes off and let you hit me with stuff. that'd be awesome!" Good sport, right! His next question of course was, "does that mean i get to see you with your top off finally!" That made me laugh. He's fun.
So, I personally haven't had a single issue with telling anyone about my "lifestyle". Everyone who I consider a real friend is as open minded as I am. I know people who are not, but I don't count them amoung my friends. They are just back ground props in my life, so there's no need for them to know what my favorite color is let alone my favorite position.
I'm glad that I am who I am. I've lived my whole life with an "if you dont' like it, don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya" attitude and it has served me well. Even when I felt missing someone as a loss, it turned out to be in my best interest. My parents accept me for who I am because, like my friends, I never gave them any other options. I'm going to do what I'm going to do. You don't have to like it but you do have to STFU about it if you don't have anything intelligent or nice to say.
I wish it were that easy for everyone to be who they wanted to be. It took a long time to accept myself but once I did, it was easy to bring others to the same conclusion. I'm outstanding just the way I am. If you don't agree, well...bub bye!
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Another first.....
|
Posted:Oct 5, 2009 5:07 pm
Last Updated:Dec 2, 2009 5:43 pm 10320 Views
|
I experienced my very first spanking the other night. The entire experience was very special to me, so i'm not going to go into all the dirty, filthy, yummy details, but i do want to blog about the spanking itself.
First, he knew it was my first time and i'm more than sure he went very easy on me. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt, just that i know it will be much more painful in the future.
He undressed me, another first for me, and bent me over the bed. He then proceeded to take turns spanking me very hard with his bare hand and touching me in the most loving way i could ever imagine. Kisses, caresses and hard, loud smacks. It was painful and pleasureable all at once. I enjoyed it immensely, but i do believe it had a great deal to do with connection rather than the act in and of itself.
I was very conscious during the experience of a few things and other things came to me after. During, i made certain that i focused on the exact second i was in. Every breath, every touch, every kiss, every blow, i lived completely in that moment. I was trying to feel rather than think, which i've never done on purpose before, ever. I was able to shut my brain off for those moments and simply feel. I didn't want to anticipate and brace for the next blow, i would have missed all the wonderful sensations that happened in between!
After, i realized that i thought of nothing else. Nothing other than him, and the feeling of him. It was the one time i can remember my mind being completely blank other than what was happening in a moment. Being in that frame of mind, i thought of nothing but him the entire night. I was completely present and my mind was uncluttered. It was completely freeing to me and not at all frightening.
Even now, knowing that he has the power to affect me that way is not frightening to me. It's a comfort. It was a surrender in it's most pure form. I enjoyed it.
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
So that didn't work...
|
Posted:Oct 3, 2009 9:20 am
Last Updated:Oct 19, 2009 12:48 pm 10044 Views
|
Well...perhaps this isn't the way things are done. But i prefer to have a little bit of a test when i meet a "Dom" online who's interested in me. I want to see how i'm treated, if boundaries are respected, that sort of thing. My feeling is, if you can't do that this early on, i'm not interested in pursuing anything further.
Enter "Master". He pursued me hard. I relented, but kept things simple and at a distance. When it came time for him to "top" me, he did not respect the limits i gave him. I did allow them to be pushed where i felt there was no threat. But he pushed limits that were not negotiable.
Here's what i expected. I expected him to be pleased by my willingness to push my own boundaries. I expected him to be pleased that i had done as i was asked even though i was uncomfortable.
Here's what i got. As i gave in, he pushed further, even though he knew i was not comfortable. When i mentioned being beyond my limit, he attempted to manipulate me. He was annoyed and disappointed rather than proud of me.
This is not what i'm looking for in a Dom. Limits are to be pushed, yes. I was flexible with them until my hard limit was reached. I would expect a sub doing what she is asked, given a specific task and performing it as instructed happily and without complaint should have made a "Master" happy. Instead of giving me the task and allowing me to complete it and succeed, he continued to change the task to the point that success wasn't possible for me.
I let him know this morning that it wasn't going to work out and that our contact was now over. I've never been more proud of myself. Recognizing that someone isn't right for you is the first step to avoiding being mistreated. I'm happy that i don't require the pride of strangers to feel good about myself.
Now...if i can only find the right Dom
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
My First Play Party!
|
Posted:Sep 28, 2009 7:35 am
Last Updated:Oct 19, 2009 12:48 pm 10241 Views
|
Tonight i attended my very first play party. I had a great time! I got to see a lot of the things I've heard about and read about in action. Very interesting.
The question that ran through my mind most was "i wonder if that hurts, and how much"? The second question was "can i let someone do this in front of all these people"?
There were several scenes tonight, all with nudity. I just can't imagine taking my clothes off in front of a room full of people. Then again, I imagine you'd lose focus of it once things got going, so it would just be an initial issue i suppose. Plus i'm sure it's so much worse in my head than it would be in life.
I was asked after what I thought and what i wanted to try. I felt stupid that I didn't really have an answer. I never really fantasized about most of it because I have no knowledge of it so....how can i want something i've never had? Except that there are parts of it i know i want, though i've never done them. Maybe it's the fact that i'd never seen it done in person before, so i didn't know what to imagine?
We'll see what comes from having these new visuals 
I have a great time!
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Q & A
|
Posted:Sep 25, 2009 8:45 am
Last Updated:Sep 25, 2009 11:37 am 9817 Views
|
What is with the Q & A format of chatting??? This is the MOST annoying form of chat ever!
If you don't have enough personality and charachter to pull off a conversation without strict formatting, you should not be chatting with me or anyone else. You should stick to chatting with members of your debate team only.
Conversations should be organic. I think this is very important especially in the beginning. If I can't have an easy conversation with you, it isn't going anywhere. The most important part of a relationship is communication (well..sex is a tie with communication, but I'm being academic here) and if your method of communicating with me involves the words "your turn" so I know when to ask you a question, we have a problem before we've even started.
Nothing seems less personal that forced questioning.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
What kind of slut....
|
Posted:Sep 22, 2009 6:02 am
Last Updated:Sep 25, 2009 7:04 am 10369 Views
|
I was asked what kind of slut I am.
Ummmm I've never considered myself a slut of any kind. Listening to other people in the lifestyle use the word, I know it isn't meant to be negative, like it is in mainstream. But I'm having trouble getting past the initial reaction to the word "slut".
I guess my answer is, I don't know. Is it possible to be more than one kind of slut? Like, a well rounded slut? Is there a slut-decathalon I can join? Where does one train for something like that? Nevermind...I think I know the answer lol
Do I like pain? Sometimes. Do I like cum? Yes. Do I like cock? Yes. Do I like sensation? Yes. Do I like just about everything I've tried. Yes. Is All American Slut a category?
Is it necessary to accept a label? Can't I just be fun?
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
My first munch
|
Posted:Sep 17, 2009 4:16 am
Last Updated:Sep 21, 2009 4:21 pm 10278 Views
|
Well....my first munch was very interesting.
While trying to find a place to park, I see a man I do business with and his wife entering the restaurant. Panic attack ensues. Then I remembered...IT'S A RESTAURANT! They did not end up being in the group (thank goodness).
I walk in and wait for the Host. He comes in and I tell him I'm here with a group and he starts asking questions about what kind of group it is, what do we do? I just smiled at him, thanked him for the directions and walked past him toward the room.
I am greeted very warmly by a short woman who is just a lovely person. She was so nice! As nervous as I was to go alone, I was relieved there was no one there I knew. I talked to a couple people, then picked a seat and sat down.
I'm quiet a lot of the time anyway, so I spent a lot of time watching and listening to the dynamic of the group. Almost everyone went out of their way to speak to me, which was nice because I am too shy and was to nervous to approach them. There were quite a few people within 10 or 12 years of my age, which surprised me. There was only one guy who totally creeped me out. I was relieved when a man my age came in late and chose to sit down next to me. For some reason that took some wind out of Creepy McCreeperton's sails and he left early.
The people who sat around me were very nice, many of them funny, all outgoing, not like me lol. They were a bit more "out" than I thought they might be, considering the location, but no one was over the top really. It was all good fun.
At one point, a very nice woman sat down and started talking to me. She pressed a bit about where I work, so I told her. She said "Oh! We have another person who works there in the group. He isn't here but his wife is over there!" That was a little upsetting and my hands started to shake and my face must have flushed because she laughs and says "Oh shit! I've scared you now!" I tried to laugh it off, but truthfully I am not prepared for people at work to know anything this personal about me, so that raised some concerns. But since he wasn't there and his wife doesn't know me, I tried to push it to the back of my mind and have fun. The man sitting next to me helped! Good looking guy, same age as me, and we're from the same area so were had fun talking about some of the same people we knew as . He was pleasant, as was the woman sitting across from us.
All in all, I liked everyone. I had a good time. I'm glad I went, even though I'd rather not go alone.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
