Emotional Energy
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Posted:Aug 5, 2010 11:08 am
Last Updated:Feb 19, 2012 6:37 pm 10071 Views
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I've noticed lately that I have retreated back into myself and lack the energy or enthusiasm to do pretty much anything. I go through these phases; its not exactly depression but close enough to it.
Quiet, silence, retreat are all needed things for me. I spend much of my life talking, being active, spending a lot of intellectual and emotional energy in my work. Coming home, there are moments I just want to sink into myself. I don't want to talk, I don't want to be bombarded by sound and life. This is really the reason I don't watch television, or listen to music at home. The world moves very quickly, consuming one's life in a "minute here, a minute there."
I know I've made a few people mad at me for this retreat. And yes, it is selfish. But it is my preservation, the way I maintain sanity in a world that cares nothing for the individual.
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Why is it so hard to say hi in public?
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Posted:Aug 3, 2010 11:58 am
Last Updated:Feb 19, 2012 6:39 pm 10705 Views
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So I took a break from here for a little bit; I was just getting overwhelmed with stuff. But .. for me, its hard not being submissive. I love feeling "bound" to someone, even if its just for some play, not a relationship. I like flirting; I like teasing. I get this little thrill deep inside when I get called "good girl."
I went out with a couple friends to a goth bar Saturday. Wore a corset-style halter, tight jeans, and fuck me heels.  And nothing. Got a couple looks, but nobody said hi. I did try to start a conversation with a girl (she was hot and I am intrigued) but that went nowhere.
I just have no idea how to start a conversation, and I worry about hooking up with someone. I want to play a couple times before jumping to sex, make sure that we "click."
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feeling on hold and frustrated
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Posted:Jul 16, 2010 10:14 pm
Last Updated:Aug 5, 2010 9:45 am 10067 Views
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Ok. Try number 2. First try got deleted by random falling mouse. *sigh*
I am at a point where I am worried to meet anyone. Either the people I meet think I am going to divorce my husband and run off with them, or all they want is a one night stand.
What I want is somewhere between. There has to be a real connection with any play partner I have. It can't be just play and nothing else, then it doesn't feel real. However, I am very happily married. And yes, my husband is aware of what I do and with whom. I don't lie or sneak around.
I will happily talk with people, but when I try and move from online to a meeting, either I freak out or I realize that the person wants more from me than I can give (or some combination of the two). Safety -- of all kinds -- is an essential part of kink for me. I have to know that eyes are open, expectations are realistic, and limits are honored. That goes from the obvious condom to an expectation of privacy and discretion. However, that kind of trust isn't created by a couple emails or a hot n heavy cam session.
However, I also know that sometimes you have to test the water to know what it's like. You can stare at it, analyze it, draw it, photograph it, etc, but actually touching it requires a risk. I can't decide if I'm just too timid, or if my reticence is justified. *sigh*
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can't sleep too hot!
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Posted:Jul 11, 2010 9:33 pm
Last Updated:Jul 21, 2010 9:41 am 9506 Views
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Well, things are going better. I'm less sad, which is good. Today was evil hot .. and stuffy before the rain came. I don't like that hour or so before it rains, its like the world feels its skin is too tight.
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putting Mia down
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Posted:Jul 7, 2010 4:05 pm
Last Updated:Jul 21, 2010 9:41 am 10965 Views
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So I took the cat into the vet today. She had been off and on breathing funny since I came home from vacation. She had started acting normally, but she just wasn't eating anything.
So, the vet took one look at her breathing and I knew. It was the look, of "I am so sorry."
I held her while they gave her the injection, and now I am just crying my eyes out at home. It just hurts so much.
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need to play, need to lose myself
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Posted:Jul 4, 2010 4:11 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 8:4 pm 9564 Views
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For the last few days I am having a hard time thinking of anything besides playing, but sadly there is no play to be had. Just imagining hands in my hair, pulling firmly make me all wet inside.
I haven't had a chance to play in several months and I think that is starting to wear. I just want to be in someone's arms and just worry about pleasing.
*sigh*
back to normal scheduled programming ..
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Shy, not shy .. both at the same time?
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Posted:Jul 3, 2010 10:42 pm
Last Updated:Jul 26, 2010 4:24 pm 9601 Views
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Yes, I am shy. I know that some people cannot quite believe it, but I really am! To me, there is a difference between the internet and real life, and a huge difference between the me on a typewriter and the me in person.
The me in person ... nervous, shy, worried. I don't meet people well. I will say hello, smile, and then move about on my business. I don't mix well at parties; I am the girl standing in the corner wondering what to do. Once I get to know someone, or am around friends, its different, but until then I am such a wallflower.
The me on a typewriter/keyboard ... I can speak correctly. The words are easier to say. The delay in seeing my words before they go out, makes me feel more confident in what I say -- even though I rarely erase anything. And yes, I even will play on cam -- partly because I can end it at anytime I want, and I show what I want.
I enjoy getting to know someone without worrying so much about the physical. The physical is important, don't get me wrong. I am not a supermodel, but I am not repulsive. I have always fit into the "cute" category. Meeting someone in real life is just nerve wracking to me. Not only am I worried if I look ok, if the outfit is too casual, too fancy, trying too hard, etc ... but also I have to worry about my words and body language. I have met people that I liked who walked away thinking I hated them and weren't interested at all. I just have never really learned how to flirt, and been hurt too many times. But the keyboard is safe, distant .. like Valves to turn the attention, to shut out any that don't belong or offend. (bonus points to the allusion)
And since I am starting to wax on, I should say goodnight!
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The World Need Naptime
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Posted:Jul 2, 2010 2:51 pm
Last Updated:Jul 2, 2010 6:01 pm 9522 Views
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I have decided. When they elect me empress of the world ... hmm .. empress or princess ... either title is fine ... anyways .. when they elect me, I am going to institute national naptime. Oh wait .. that should be international naptime.
Yesterday I was just grumpy, and really, a nap would have fixed it. But I was too busy for naptime. *sigh* Someday I will realize that mulish behavior demands a nap, or at least an ice cream cone ... or maybe a puppy or a pony.
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Kvetching
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Posted:Jun 23, 2010 6:03 pm
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2010 6:06 pm 9218 Views
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While I am not one to discuss my feelings, wants, and needs much, I get very frustrated when somebody doesn't speak up when they are not getting what they need. It is astounding that most people seem to think that others can read their mind. I know that it is easy to think, particularly as a sub, that the dominant should understand what you feel, but that is not the case. However, I recognize my own fault in letting things pile up to a point they are insurmountable (or at least seem that way).
I am currently seeing this in a non-bdsm event, at a work conference. The presenter is not providing the attendees with what they want, but they are afraid to say anything. Part of the fault lies with the attendees who are absolutely ill-prepared and who did no background work for this class. However, they expect the presenter to somehow know their questions and descend like a god to solve every problem they have -- without anyone lifting a finger.
I feel it is important to know what it is you want or need, and to act on your own in order to get it. If I don't know how, then it is time to ask someone else, but I never expect someone else to do all the legwork for me.
*sigh* I just needed to vent.
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