jerks, idiots, and absolute asses
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Posted:Mar 1, 2012 4:49 pm
Last Updated:Jun 5, 2012 10:49 am 22595 Views
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Hey guys .. guess what? If you insult someone, she is not going to give you anything you want. Very few women are perfect models with curves and no fat, honestly you probably don't want that. If you want bony parts that poke you, go for it. But don't insult a random woman because she doesn't fit your definition or ideal.
I turned on my cam today, and before I even started anything .. I got two rude messages .. one "Oh great, another fat slob sub" and another one even cruder. Do you really think that your words are going to encourage me to take off my clothes? Do you think that your words make me feel nice and wet? Do you think that you are god's gift to women?
I don't do humiliation or insults. If you want someone to treat like an ass, go buy a blow up doll, humans deserve human treatment. If you said something like that to me in person, you would know my displeasure. I certainly am more than capable of defending myself and my ego.
I have never claimed that I am some paragon of beauty. Yes, I know I have a few extra pounds, not that much extra, I am completely in the range for my height. I am absolutely honest on my profile -- many people are not. I have had many people compliment me on my body. I don't have to shop in the "big and tall" section.
So .. guess what .. you made me angry, you ruined some people's night who would have liked to seen me cam ... and you proved yourself to be an absolute dickhead. Congratulations.
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Random part of poem .. not finished.. not completely thought
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Posted:Feb 28, 2012 5:05 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 6:19 pm 20250 Views
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Thudding beats of heart, tuned silently to earth’s rhythm,
Deepening, thickening, slowing as the sun turns and the moon rises,
Awakening yawning desires, thick, viscous cords of darkness,
Tangling twisting, tightening limbs and breaths
As sound becomes existence, light is denied.
Senses heighten and dull, familiar sounds become
Frightening, strange, unknown
Amidst the beasts of music and heart.
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What is this word .. submission?
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Posted:Feb 28, 2012 5:03 pm
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2012 8:04 pm 18739 Views
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Many people use the word submission to mean different things. While the women’s liberation movement spits it out like a curse word, many religions utter it with reverence. The BDSM movement always seems to speak of submission in the context of balancing and exchanging of power. In my thinking, its based more on the actual meaning … sub, of course being under . . . and missive indicating communication. To submit then means to follow others, not necessarily to give up. I’ve read in many places that submissives have more power, but I am not sure that the logic follows that thought. Yes, I suppose it is a power exchange. When I am willing to give up control of certain things, it means I am giving it to someone else. But that doesn’t mean a total loss, nor does it indicate a destruction of something. Knowing that someone else is willing to take control, means that I can experience without the internal dialogue, “wondering if what you are doing is ok, wondering if you look silly.” Lots of those nagging questions from the subconscious become meaningless, because its not about that. Its being able to actually be present in the moment and willingly let things happen to you. Its not about controlling your emotions or protecting your feelings.
But it’s not just about giving up control or responsibility, its something deeper, more personal and less self-destructive. I’ve never seen submission as self-destruction, more as a way to express all parts of me. Hopefully, I don’t want to be submissive because I’m not worth enough. Really I do have good self-esteem. I know that I am smart and capable. I sometimes (ok, lots of times) feel a little inept in the bedroom. Sometimes sex is awkward, funny, messy, and just plain odd.
I think the worst thing that many submissives do is let themselves become a doormat. Its really important to remember the things that are hard limits and why they are hard limits. I know how it is really easy to let yourself be talked into something if you care about the other person, or if you’ve decided to give someone else control. Pushing limits is one thing, it’s the same thrill as a roller coaster, or rock climbing, trying something that is just at the edge of what you are comfortable with. However, it’s terribly necessary to know what is an acceptable risk and what isn’t. Submission doesn’t make someone LESS of a person, it makes them MORE of one. They are reaching beyond Maslow’s maintenance needs and on to the actualizing needs – the needs that make one not only truly happy, but also a person, not just someone going through life’s sequence of food and security.
From the first time that I let a dominant tell me what to do, it felt reassuring, comforting, safe, as well as absolutely arousing. While it can be slightly (ok lots) embarrassing, the act of submitting feeds some kind of part of me. It feels rewarding, loving, protective to know that the person is willing to take that control and use it carefully … use it for pleasure.
I don’t quite know why pain is sometimes pleasure, but it certainly is. I found that out the first time I let someone use a flogger on me and just about swooned because it felt so good. I know that many think that there must be something wrong to want to get hit, but I think about it like different levels of sensation. Sometimes you want a nice soft touch, sometimes something much rougher. I’m sure that if there were a flogging every day, it would cease to be pleasurable, but the balance of nice, normal, soft things … and then hard, rough, even slightly painful things make life … well, more interesting.
There’s also a weird line between playacting and submission. Yes, there are times I am not submissive, not thinking about being submissive, not even a little bit. Does that mean when I am not, that when all of a sudden I am submissive, that I am just play-acting? I don’t think so. There are different areas of everyone’s life, and well .. if sex was the only thing on people’s minds, the world would be quite different. Submission is just a part of life, it isn’t everything – but neither is anything else. Just like I can enjoy walking, that doesn’t mean that when I am not walking, it makes me a “play walker.”(LOL, ok that was funny)
Its also the idea of doing/trying something that you might not ever do on your own. Seeing the world, and yourself, through someone else’s eyes. Finding out what your limits are and where your personality actually is, how you “fit” into your own body. I know I’ve learned a lot about myself even through horrible things that have happened. Finding out how strong you are, what things really are normal, and what things are not. I’ve learned that in many ways, being submissive sexually is part of who I am, its just this little part that waits patiently for the right time to come out.
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what trips my switch
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Posted:Feb 26, 2012 4:54 pm
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2012 4:11 pm 15594 Views
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I suffer from a very strange kind of shyness. It is hard for me to voice (with my voice!) desires or needs. It is kinda strange to me since I am very good at talking and explaining things, but when it comes to what I actually want, for some reason my mind freaks out. This is one reason I really like the internet -- for some reason a keyboard is so much easier. I think it gives me the chance to look at what I have "said" before it is actually said. A chance to redesign the grammar or thought into a more accurate statement.
This even happens when I get a massage or something. I will be there, thinking "man this hurts, I wish she would not hit that spot again" but instead of saying it, wait until the 3rd or 4th time, then maybe say "could you lighten up a little?" I know it is ridiculous, I even am thinking that as I am not saying something. I will have a minor argument with myself about the fact that "it is hard to get what you want since people aren't mind readers."
I guess for me, this is one reason safe words and hard limits are important. It is really easy for me to go into subspace (at times) and have had it happen when i didn't think i was scening (man that was intense though .. and really really pleasurable .. more about that later). It is very easy to not recognize something going wrong until later, which is why I have to really trust someone before I play.
Ok .. so more about that scene .. since my mind is now going that way! It was at a scene function many years ago .. I was "with" a Domme who was a best friend and "protecting" me since my boyfriend wasn't going with me. I was in the cutest dress (I wish I still had it!) that was basically a black babydoll with some padding in the breasts and some killer heels. (Ok, I like shoes!) I had no intention of playing and hadn't even asked my boyfriend/Dom if I could play. There were a couple people there who I had been very interested in for quite a while. A guy (who I still will occasionally play with and is my absolute most trustworthy person -- although I didn't know it at the time) and this Domme who had what I termed "the Caboodle of Doom." (Remember the Caboodle? a tackle box in pretty colors to keep makeup in?)
Anyways, I was fascinated with her .. kinda like fire or a sharp knife. She loved pointy things and I didn't (still don't completely) but it was flirting with danger. These two people knew each other very well and I guess they knew that I was like a moth to a flame with them. They both alternated flirting with me ...she started with light touching .. nothing even dramatically sexual .. just fingers across shoulders and tops of breasts ..and her voice, the true tool of a Dom .. gentle, seductive, and demanding .. and after about 20 minutes or so .. I was gone .. total subspace .. total submission .. absolutely no sense of care for myself .. just this intense desire to keep being touched and make her happy. It didn't matter that we hadn't talked about play, or limits, or anything. I was just a puddle of subbie draped over her .. letting her hands and lips do whatever they wanted.
Luckily (I think, and probably very true) the guy noticed this and came and stopped her before she brought out her "instruments of doom" and got my friend to know what was going on. It took forever for me to come out of subspace, and I was very happy that I was safe and that I had people that looked out for me ... but now I know that I am not always a good judge of things, particularly when faced with the intensity of a good Dom(me). I also figured out that I was probably bi .. at least I definitely can enjoy playing with women at times.
Well, this certainly went into tangent land, but I'll still post!
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not the right kind of pain
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Posted:Feb 26, 2012 11:07 am
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2012 8:04 pm 18141 Views
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Learned something new just now. If your nipples are a little sore, don't run on the treadmill! At least nobody looks at me weird, running while holding my boobs when it is in my basement!
I'm trying to keep up my new year's resolution of doing at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. It is frustrating though, I have been pretty consistent -- averaging at least 30 minutes 5 times a week (an hour of yoga on Wednesdays helps!) but the scale hasn't budged. Realistically I am not trying to lose weight, but trim the tummy a little. I also can totally tell I have been sick since my asthma kicked in with a vengeance after about 20 minutes. This getting older thing totally sucks!
I need to find a new yoga studio. I felt a lot better when I was doing 2-3 yoga sessions a week. Problem is that either I need to belong to a club, or suck it up and do the heated yoga. Of course the last time I did heated yoga I passed out -- so that seems dangerous. I suppose I could be more disciplined and do it at home with the video, it just works better when I have a separate space and time .
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ratio of humanity in my house
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Posted:Feb 24, 2012 4:53 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 6:19 pm 13592 Views
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So I am kinda sick today, and I agreed to watch my friends' dogs while they went skiing this weekend. Right now there is currently more pounds of canine than human in my house. I tried taking everyone for a walk and ended up breaking my nails. Grr!
Otherwise, things are good. I'm just wishing for a little bit of solitude. There is a reason I consider my home an island.
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sharing some poetry
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Posted:Feb 22, 2012 5:48 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 6:19 pm 12338 Views
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Trials of ascension speak through the ages,
Quests and journeys lead you up and through,
Even when the journey is darkest,
And the body is dragged to a torment of suffering.
The soul gathers strength and in that new
wisdom, soars ever upward.
Like eagles and sparrows, idiolizing the air
Seeing freedom and forgiveness there.
A voice within is also without
Some call it Truth, Beauty, Love, and God.
Our soul breaks free, and ventures into air, sky and space,
At the moment we cease mental self examination,
We break the bonds and light seeps through
And then where are we, standing on a step, neither down nor up.
Questioning the treacherous journey ahead,
Like the Aztec pyramids rising out of jungle confusion.
Reaching upwards in symetrical jumps,
But resisting the climb, our legs beg for terra firma.
We stop but for a moment to record our anguish,
To give hope to those who have yet to take the first step.
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My inner agression
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Posted:Feb 22, 2012 5:20 pm
Last Updated:Feb 23, 2012 12:31 pm 10782 Views
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I have recently figured something out. When faced with idiocy, rudeness, or incompetence, I tend to respond with decisive aggression. (Yes, the subbie! is aggressive!)
The problem arises with the phrase "the pen is mightier than the sword." Since I am a writer by trade, when the adrenaline starts flowing, so do the polysyllabic words. I guess some of my coworkers feel that I am "elitist and arrogant" since they had to use a dictionary to understand me. I guess I find this hilarious since the person who shared this with me "couldn't understand it at all. You are the nicest, kindest, most patient person I know."
I have decided that I am going to take some good advice -- "don't get in a pissing contest with a skunk" and attempt "to take the high road" when dealing with certain people who arouse my inner meanie.
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All Sun in an Afternoon
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Posted:Feb 20, 2012 4:38 pm
Last Updated:Jun 21, 2012 2:48 pm 13432 Views
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There are moments where one just needs a major ego boost. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I have found one of the best ways to do that is to turn on my cam. While yes, some people are less than sensitive about their comments, seeing that people do think you are desirable can be nice. It is nice to be appreciated for more than your body, but it can be helpful when you are feeling down to be told you are nice. So thank you everyone who had nice things to say .. and double thanks to the ones who made me laugh! I feel so much better now!
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*sigh* so hard to find someone
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Posted:Feb 19, 2012 3:24 pm
Last Updated:Jun 21, 2012 2:48 pm 16777 Views
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I want to meet someone who isn't necessarily shopping for an easy submissive right off the bat. What I mean is ... my the sheer fact of meeting someone from alt, they seem to expect that I am easy and will shed my clothes at the snap of their fingers. (Yes, I know about the pronoun errors in my sentence, but I am just blabbing! I can't take someone seriously who seems clueless about grammar. The "ur" or "your" which seems to mean any of the homonyms, just irks me.)
I want to meet someone while I am out and about, who just clicks -- but knows the secret wetness I feel when I hear the deep, dominant voice. I know I come off as distant and not interested -- because I am not a total flirt. I always have my nose in a book because I am not good at starting conversations. But really ... a relatively pretty redhead should be able to find someone, right?
So off I go tonight, to go play poker. Hopefully someone will be there. Well, people will be there, but probably not a dom who can get the secret message (and if you think you are the person, try near the library).
However, I've just met some real "winners" when I have met people from here. Really! One guy wanted to come clean and tell me he was facing murder 1 charges ... eeks! And this is someone who thinks I will let him tie me up! No thanks!
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