my story
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Posted:Aug 1, 2007 4:11 am
Last Updated:Oct 14, 2023 10:18 am 61859 Views
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so many question always need answering don't they. how, when, what, why, do any of us really know, was we born that way or did lifes plan change us well here goes this is my story some bleak some i loved but i figured sometimes well the first time in my life its best not too hide things i can finally release those skeletons the parts of me i hate so much see they've made me feel worthless for too many years now,
You see despite my giggles i am in my mind damaged goods and by this i mean as i'm sure many of you will relate too i was abused in my childhood, It was a freind of my brothers and also very well respected in the family, i was 10 when it started and things happened repeatedely on a daily bases a little touch here a word there n so on until it grew into something so terrifying that i'd dread coming home, see at that age we don't really understand too much only respect our elders as our parents taught us too, i guess thats why i found so much releif in horses they never judged n never turned you away, i spent hours and hours just talking too them n hugging them burying my head into there neck so tight, just too feel that glimpse of hope n that moment of safeness, i often wonder if my dad had of been about more i might not have gone through so much, but he worked away alot always there in the background n occasionly on the phone but it was tricky, i guess thats why i ended up in the house alone so often my mum would just pop here just nip there you know how it is and after all she was'nt leaving me alone Dan was there waiting for my brother to come back from work....
Maybe i should of begged her not to leave him there with me but i was frightened, he made sure of that the second she went, into my room he would come well to be honest any room. i can still feel him forcing my body against that door or up against the wall his hands everywhere taking what he wanted or want he needed, pushing my hand down n holding it on himself play with it he would cry or push my head down, that feeling of utter hate feeling so sick not wanting too do it feeling so strange n so dirty, but i guess i was lucky in some ways in the three years this went on for he only penetrated me twice. god this is so strange ive never spoken in this way too anyone or anything, yet here i am pouring my heart out on a computer and its like i can't stop its been inside so long, after the first year it started to afect my sleep by which i mean insomnia too the max i was frightened of everything, every noise n the dark terrified me, just take its hold n id lay there frozen heart racing convinced he was there in the shadows waiting to pounce, it was like i could'nt breathe, but do u know the worst part of it all, he would do these things he wanted and as i fell to the floor crying or sat on the bed so subdued he would smile put £2 on the side n say get your self a sweet, trust me that feeling of utter cheapness is worst than anything anyone can do or make you do and even now it makes me so angry, when i see him walking around now i have to fight myself not too drive my car straight at him or leap out n scream at him it affected everything, and most of all when my mum was finally told it broke her heart, she just kept crying and asking me why did'nt i talk to her why why why i guess she will never understand, she had him beaten up i guess in her mind he needed to pay and i would'nt go too caught, but the really strange part of it was when i heard he had been beaten to the ground i felt so bad so guilty it must have been my fault must'nt it.....oh hell how that part goes round n round my head feeling the cheapness feeling the blame,
Well at 14 i was more into the horses than ever but my local stables went bankrupt n closed down this broke my heart my loan pony was sold n slowly one by one all my freinds left, there it was my release from the hell in my mind was gone crazy but i still used too go up there everynight after school, there where only 2 horses left there out of the fifty once happily stabled there n an old dealer that squated on the land, and n ancient pony that remained on livery,
weeks passed and then one afternoon as i was strolling up the yard i spotted a van at the top, i just foze this was finally it i'd be stopped now no longer able too just escape the house and those tearful memories, i stood there for a while not knowing weather to walk up or run it was strange. eventually i talked myself into going up you see i was terrified of strangers new people ect i trusted no one now, do you ever giggle too your self later and think what was all the fuss about, well i certainly did the new couple there where lovely so freindly warm and welcoming, i explained a bit of why had stayed n offered them a hand clearing n cleaning up around the yard mad really the time just flew i was there till 10pm,
I relly can't explain what happened from then on but there was something about the guy something about the way he spoke, i wanted to hang onto his every word and obey his every request and when he was happy with the task then well the feeling inside was undesribeable i guess this is when my sub ways where really awoken, months went on and i had started riding for them, they where dealers and i'd get on anything that came in the gates, exercises competing showing ect ect and i spent more and more time there in a bid to completely wipe out the past,
Then i guess one day everything just got on top and when they guy told me off for something really daft i just broke down, guess this shocked him more than it did me and he sat me down and well just listened, for that moment i felt so safe and somehow strangely so alive, after that it was like something changed between us, something just clicked, i yearned to please him more than life itself, the tellings off went on too spanking and so it began, he then bought a stallion and things changed more and more, if i wanted to break this stallion with him i must obey everything and stay behind to work with him when everyone else had gone home, be sencible at all times and never ride it with the other girls never play about ect ect, well i guess will be at times i knew he was working and his wife was out, and the girls longed too see this amazing pony in action, so something inside just took over i told them too put the jumps out and i tacked him up, was in fell show off mode riding around with sheer pride i'd put so much work into this special little , then as i landed one of the fences i saw him out the corner of my eye, he was back early one minute he was standing there the next he was running up the drive, i can still see the rage in his face, the fear raced through me my whole body shaking i begged the girls too go .... anywhere just don't stay but they did'nt want too leave me too take the blame, i heard him shouting before he even got to the gate. i stood the pony still tears in my eyes trying too keep my hands steady. His face was so stern so red as he shouted n pointed too the side of his head telling me how bad i was and what an idiot i was tears ran down my face the girls tried to leave but he forced them too stay, you wanna watch your fucking watch he bellowed, up the fence went higher and higher i felt sick but i just had too keep coming round over n over the fence, then he took away my stirrups n told me to drop the reins 3 strides before the fence, i new i could'nt stay on bored at this height and so did he but i dare not argue, sure enough the pony lept this huge fence and i came off it hurt like hell not just in pain but pride too but the worst feeling of all was knowing i'd disapointed him, Get up he screamed' he yanked me too my feet hard 'do it again, i begged him not too make me but the look he gave me i knew i was on a losing battle i must obey, sure enough i came of again, he yelled for me too get the pony cooled off n untacked and too be in the barn in 10 minutes.......well i'l just say thats when it all really changed its also when i realised what a whip really was.
'and so the adventure began!...................x
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14
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Just a bad girl
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Posted:Jun 3, 2007 4:52 am
Last Updated:Jun 17, 2011 4:28 pm 61387 Views
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Just a bad girl is what i may be,
just need someones hand to guide me,
i know il have to do a lot of learning,
n carry on feeling this deep strong yearning,
i will always try my best to please u,
down on my knees kissing ure shoe,
whatever u ask i will obey,
n repeat whatever u'd like me to say,
whip my arse with ure cane ,
i want to scream n feel the pain,
or you may decide to use a belt,
to mark my arse with a welt,
i have no say in what i do,
my only goal is to please u,
so if i do step outa line,
ure chioce of punishment will be fine,
i may get tied,
because i lied,
or put in cuffs to keep me still,
so u can use my body at ure will,
Sir i will call u forever more,
n give u that look that shows i adore,
reward me with letting me suck ure nob,
i promise il do a really good job, {he he}
But whatever u decide to do to me,
our memories will last for eternity,
Sare x
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6
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, 2 Pending
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Rusty
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Posted:Jul 19, 2016 7:32 am
Last Updated:Jul 7, 2021 3:48 pm 21542 Views
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Ok hands up I'm rusty and not just a little I mean massively, I hung my sub hat up for five years and il be honest my bs (bullshit that is) radar has epically failed me. I spoke to two guys on here now because of there shear lack of knowledge I probably should name and shame but for now I won't give them that satisfaction. I kinda blame fifty shades of grey not fully but a little. I never go for younger and I'm super careful these days, but what they seem to think is that bdsm is an excuse to hide behind the fact they are purely arrogant, they are batchelors with a slight kink side and they get in your head, yep for little missy down the road that wants a quick slap and a fuck and Thankyou type I'm sure they are epic. But in this new fangled Argos catologue dating world it has become way to easy for and morons to get a quick fix. They get away with it as how can any girl stand up and say I'm into this when the times right, but it must be consensual ,as aposed to some twat with a dick and a random selfish ego that says he wants to control you. It's so easy to tell the players but not until you pay the price, the sub drop and if you are genuine you will know this only to well, I'm not small detailing here but don't push and push to get in someone's head only to randomly ignore them for a day or two just because you can. That is not domination it's abuse and it's fucking sick!!! You drum and drum into her she has to do everything you want because you are a Dom and because that's what drives her she does, but and I mean seriously why the fuck should she put up with you ignoring her and then dismissing her and generally making her feel a complete worthless twat because she had sub drop, just because you was simply to arrogant to learn what the lifestyle is all about. Yes I said lifestyle not kink not fuck buddy and certainly not a prick with no confidence's ego boost. She looked up to you because as a Dom you was in control of yourself else why the fuck would you try to control someone else
Rant over but seriously grow up you dangerous prick!!
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5
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Shaking
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Posted:Jul 17, 2016 8:50 am
Last Updated:Jul 20, 2016 12:42 am 21382 Views
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My hand is really shaking and not just a little bit,
It's going kinda crazy,it's own little fit,
I'm not sure why it's been there all day,
Maybe it's the blisters there really pretty sore,
Or maybe it's the pain of being such a stupid ,
But my hand its shaking badly I just wish it would stop,
I don't no how to make it until I'm punished for my strop,
I know that won't happen, I frightened you away,
So I guess this stupid shaking hand will last throughout the day,
My mum she found it funny, I blamed it on the stairs,
I've tried to keep real busy started some repairs,
My fingers there all blistered as I earlier said,
But I think this awful shaking is nerves from within my head,
I want to beat my arse right now I want to feel that pain,
I want to feel more level and kinda good again,
But can I really punish myself with any kind of cure,
For me being such a stupid stupid ,
I need to hear you whisper things are now ok,
Even tho I know you will no longer stay,
I'm such a stupid brattish I've driven you away,
I can't try to approach you the fear is making me feel sick,
I know you can't forgive me but I really hate this kick,
But know the tasks that you did set, il do them every day,
I hate the way I hurt you I wish that I could pay,
But for now il try to knuckle down and do the things I should ,
I can't take back last night Sir, but know I really wish I could.
I really am just me.
Sare x
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3
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A new breed
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Posted:Jul 16, 2016 6:49 am
Last Updated:Jul 18, 2017 5:26 am 22190 Views
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I hate myself so much today but then I do most days only today I'm crying, I'm crying for not being able to change quick enough and I'm crying for falling for the same thing over and over because of the new breed. Not just new breed of Dom'S but the new breed of men and dating and well people in general .
Call me old school , we'll call me anything you like deluded paranoid pathetic ugly worthless I actually don't care anymore. Now one can criticise you as much as you own mind and mine never lets off. Mine laughs at me constantly it questions everything it frightens me it outs me on edge and it makes me paranoid. I suffer from anxiety . I know many do and those that don't well they just don't understand it. I didn't I was happy bubbly and all in all pretty damn nuts I spent my life laughing. 2 years ago I couldn't even leave my house the anxiety was that bad I went on medication when the depression kicked in and for a while the anxiety eased of , someday a I didn't get it at all 😊. That where good days I like those .
I came of the meds 6 months ago I ran out and well there was a new doctor when I phoned to get some more, I couldn't go, I couldn't face meeting that new doctor that new person the anxiety has began to build again I spend many nights crying I discust myself what is there to like. My make me happy my give me good days but when there not here I get low, I get to feeling worthless and I get paranoid. I would so like to meet someone, but it's not going to happen how can it work when I'm just going to feel rejected. The new breed doesn't do communication they can't do that good morning text every day, or that random hi that makes you take that deep breath and relax. It's beyond them it's to needy 😟
I met someone on here and by God did I like him even his looks took my breath away, I'd have submitted to anything In a very short time I think there was three times I looked in the mirror a and I liked what I saw. And for this I'm very thankful. But he couldn't give me the morning text ,so trivial so daft but for me it was everything it was that safe hand squeeze I need in the mornings . That desperate rush of butterfly's when I heard his voice on the phone and the excitement but complete nerves that we may meet up over the weekend ,that overwhelming need for the fear I craved so much but also wanting to please him so bad that's a hard balance to find and I failed it. Then I failed with th anxiety I got drunk and after not hearing all day I flew at him last night.
This morning I didn't want to get up I didn't want to see if he messaged and I didn't want to look in the mirror.
Why can't someone just try and understand, I often think about some of the tasks I'm given some quite tricky some quite humiliatiing and some very painful . Is a good morning text really such an ask after all. They want your undecided attention they want your mind body and soul. But they don't want your paranoia
Welcome to the new breed!!
Sare x
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5
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Hungry
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Posted:Jul 13, 2016 9:05 am
Last Updated:Jul 8, 2018 2:22 pm 22369 Views
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So hungry almost dripping,
Slammed bent over hips gripping,
Hair twisted in his fist,
Forced so quick he almost missed,
No warning, no remorse,
Fucked so hard to fix the source,
Of that hungry cunt that needs abuse,
No love no kiss only use,
Then out he pulls a moments gasp,
As he brutally takes my unready arse,
Pain sinks deep as my heads tugged back,
Swings his hand, a brutal crack,
Across my arse then several more,
He bites my neck and growls your such a !
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0
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The punishment and the paranoia!
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Posted:Jul 10, 2016 1:03 pm
Last Updated:Jul 7, 2021 3:49 pm 22905 Views
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Ok so yesterday my dodgy old ways took over again, I have been getting to know a new Dom and in all honesty it's been heaven . It's put a spring back in my step and a smile back on my face life seems good again and in such a short time too. But he was away this weekend on a stag do things all seemed quiet and I suddenly felt very on edge is he going to do the same as all the others and just disappear no explanation never talk again. I panicked and I got very paranoid it was eating me I was checking my phone every minute well seconds at some point all night too, why am I like this why do I get so so bad when I'm left ,will this side of me ever heal. I fought and fought not too message him but well I did straight in for the kill I know I had no right to my mind was telling me you've fucked it now he will run , why wouldn't he, when I'm like this tho I just need reigning in a dressing down anything it's what makes me feel safe.
Then he shocked me he messaged he was cross and I was in trouble I had to smack my cunt 20 times sit in the corner for half an hour in time out and think about my actions. He wanted to hear no more about it until he returned and could deal with me properly. The adrenaline as I sat there my cunt smarting from the sting of the strap I felt so sorry yet so content finally someone got me he got what the strops where all about but he was disappointed I hate that, I hate that I made him cross but most of all I hate I disappointed him. I should have also dressed and made my eyes up in the smokey eye shadow look this I failed it's not something I've ever done and years of not being allowed to wear make up suddenly has made something so simple quite traumatic he doesn't know this and in reality in my head I know how pathetic it must sound a girl that doesn't know how to apply eye shadow, my 12 year old can do it , so I sat looking online at a tutorial just past midnight and bam the worst thing happened I fell asleep. There was no make up and no photo as he had requested , I had let him down and he'd already messaged . I felt bad again empty almost .The first time he requested something and I blew it. I had to video myself slapping my face five times I detest cameras let alone videos I felt useless it was rubbish, he was getting crosser and the fear was there taking my breath away , my biggest addiction, I tried again I sent it but it had stopped recording he just had my face for me the worst part. I did it again my cheek stinging do you know hard it is to get your brain to allow you to swing a slap when you know it's going to hurt lol. Give it a try right now . He praised me for this one but he was still angry, I tried to do the make up for him but it really didn't come out how he wanted so I guess I will be glued to practise on this for a while.
There are many lessons in all this but the biggest is don't judge people on previous pain and always always be careful what you wish for.
Sare X
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The task
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Posted:Jul 9, 2016 6:46 am
Last Updated:Jul 7, 2021 3:49 pm 23032 Views
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Such a random title almost meaningless too the vanilla eye.
There are many things many versions some quite big and some well really quite meaningless to most, or are they.
The lines for miss spelling yep I roll my eyes everytime, that inner air of get real im not 7 just beat me already, but as you sit writing them and the wrist cramp sets In. You start to realise down to you it just wouldn't be done, that burnt achy dead arm syndrome reverberates through your brain your cunt slowly but gently twinges but hey it twinges all the same, suddenly the penny drops it's minor control but it's what you yearn for.
Then there is the swearing the back chat now this one I've had many a version , hands up i'm a mouthy bastard but well that's what makes me .....me! And deep down I do it as I'm addicted to living on the edge , there's mouth soaping personally for me that is the worst may sound simple but have you ever tried it! The mere threat gets me in a strop but hey guess what there goes another cunt twinge! The peg hate it , but in reality it last seconds it a tiny bit sore you generally feel a knob performing it and well there's the endless uncontrollable dribble , again cunt twinge just fuck my mouth to silence already.
The mustard tad rarer and spent my childhood experiencing lol no cunt twinge just random memories!
However the ultimately unbearable is the turn away, the silence the ultimate disappointment where you never know when or if they will come back. Yep you will get the massive highs as your mind ponders what price you may pay big twinge here you may even cum, but then you also get the lows not just gentle ones either , the humongous empty worthless feeling that keeps you awake at night, makes your fingers impossible to work as you try and find away to type an apology or excuse , sad but to date this for me is the most popular .
The diet fuck this one gets me so hot , I'd give my eating plan over hands down anyway even to the point I hate every damn thing I ever eat. I blame Oliver for this lol but that thought of going out n not even being able to pick your own meal cub the twinge to the max twist in a frog march into the car park for complaining yep the cheek always rears its head lol , bend me over the bonnet spank me then March me back in arse throbbing to finish that meal I never wanted ........cunt overload!!
The exercises let's face it we all need them I envy those with enough self disapline, me well I love to hate them so they make a fantastic task , a gentle daily cunt throbbing reminde that you are owned any you will obey for above all else your health a sake.
Cleaning don't even get me started this is huge for me 1850's housewife springs to mind here I go twinging again.
The sweets a treat once a week maybe even a month you will be surprised how much more special they become , take the control away and eat them I bet you don't I know I haven't enjoyed them in years .
This is all a massive thing for moulding ect it's what makes us sub/slave so why is it so damn hard to come across. Are Doms lazy or just a new breed now, surely someone given there everything needs rule as and guidance that's the whole pint in giving you there body to use to abuse to perfect but ultimately protect.
Sare X
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The hunch
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Posted:Jul 7, 2016 4:29 pm
Last Updated:Oct 14, 2023 10:17 am 22841 Views
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We've all had that mind blowing minute, that moment someone just seems to get you and for that split second bam it wipes you clean off your feet , does the first minute really count that much or should we ignore these stupid inner raiders, when we are young it all seems so simple so many sweet little fairytales running through our naive little brains. Many of you know I've hung my hat up on this site and several others, not because my needs have changed Jesus they grow stronger everyday, maybe that's the enless loneliness or maybe it's my needy cunt yearning more and more , for that mind blowing control. It's because so many want a quick fix that addictive chase but with so many to choose from and so many to talk too , like a in a sweet shop blasted with different colours sizes and flavours how could you possibly want just one! I get shouted at so much on the im on here that I no longer use it . I believe if I'm speaking to someone then they deserve my attention full on not me back and forwarding across a fucking hareem of chats, was I trained that way HELL YES and I love that I was. I am so fucking bored of going round in circles when I get excited I can't keep my fucking mouth shut because I want this I need this it's who i am, but and the big but is I panick In the silence then my self destroy button takes over the keyboard for me and for that I am sorry.
Night all
Sare x
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